d. fyodor x reader x o.dazai | You had been destined to die from the beginning. Through you does she slip, like sunlight through a sieve, settling onto the ruins of future human relationships, thereby destroying any chance of existence. Dead before...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Have you ever wanted to run away? Even if you were physically unfit, have you ever just wanted to drop everything you were holding, literally and metaphorically, and just start running?
Never mind a direction. Just turn left, turn right, go straight, detour and go up or go down. They say people 'go' mad. Where? Inwards, outwards, left, right, straight forwards? Towards a direction that only the blind new, where intuition and eyes of the psychic terrain were the only viable options to see?
Have you ever just felt so helpless and desperate for something other than the darkness shrouded over your gaze like a woollen blanket that you just wanted to never stop running?
Away,
away,
away.
That's what you needed to do.
But there were times wherein the very centre of your despair, condemned within the iced, was a fixed figure of your ultimate sin, you had lived a life consistently ruled out by destruction. And you were becoming more and more aware of this. The destruction of mom, the destruction of Mother and Father, the destruction of your peers, the destruction of the cat and the dog, and inadvertently, creating you, but also, destroying you in its metamorphic process, like a newborn snake eating its own tail until it simply failed to exist, leaving behind a cracked eggshell in its ephemeral existence.
Thereby, transitioning from this fixed state of misery, you descended into greater despair.
You needed to die.
A life cannot be made from the destruction of others.
You may critique this: That's unfathomably illogical. You can still live without destroying others.
A rich man destroys the life of the poor. Gatsby: West Egg, East Egg and the Valley of Ashes. The rich man should be dismantled.
The mere idea of your existence entailed destruction.
Therefore, you needed lust, the desire to live, narcissism, and the most dismal of depression in order to learn to surrender all defiance, have a yearning for the world, and then die with regret swarming your chest. That is the world that you were imagining. That is the way to die, after living a carefree life where you had murdered mom.
