Everything's different yesterday

a titular today

So

That was what I wrote
I thought to myself as I pulled the book closed

I expected there to be a lot

Felt like a lot to me anyways

A lot has changed since last I wrote in the diary

I sigh
I've been sighing a lot

Must be getting old now

I set the worn and torn book down
On the kitchen counter

Few of the sketch pages threatened to fall out if ever I open it again

And it sits there
As I drink a glass of water
It glints from the distant street lamps
And from the faint glow of the orange lamp in the living room

Peering at the book from the edge of my vision as I tilt my head back
Drinking the glass in one go
I let out a breath of satisfaction

I'm alone tonight
Reading a diary I wrote 12 years ago

Faint notes of melancholy
And contentment fill my vase like heart

As I remember all the things I've gone through then

All the things that seemed like life or death feel like nothing but a faint scratch

A lot has changed indeed
A lot has been different

And Cam

Cam
It's been a while since I last saw him

Standing there in the empty hospital room nothing but our gowns

We were cured that day

And he told me

"I don't love you anymore"

I thought it was just some sick joke
Then he continued

"I didn't know how I felt back then"
"I was lonely"
"I'm sorry"

Lonely

He was lonely he said

I was lonely
I WAS ALONE
And I loved him for the same reason
I wanted to scream at him

To yell at him

And then I realized
I just didn't want to let him go

He had everything
He could let me go as easy as that because he had everyone else

And he was all I had
I held on to him like he was the edge of the cliff

No matter how much I told him, even if I did

He wouldn't understand how it feels

Our life inside those white tents was an Eden
And the moment we came out
God had cursed us for our sins

I ate the fruit
And fed it to him

And we both suffered for it

The archway halved
One fell

But one stood standing

But it wasn't really all that
The one that fell
Was picked up again

And built up again
These thoughts burn like a kaleidoscopic fire

And I'm too sober for this

I need wine

With a slam of a cabinet
And the pop of a cork

My glass was filled again

And half a bottle
Was gone

I sat on a veranda
Woolen floral
Wine swirling in my cup

And I fell to my thoughts again

That day where we came apart

After that very day
I had gone home

I saw my family and they held me in their arms

And everything went on like nothing had happened at all

Today was the same
Yesterday was different

And the future is
Indescribable

The book on the counter
I'm really itching to rip its pages apart

Nearing the emptiness of the bottle

I hear the front door open
With a clinking of keys and the thumping of shoes

Soft steps reach from the foyer
Across the hallway to the kitchen

"Really Gar?"
He says exhausted
Clad in a black suit he walks into the kitchen

"Yes really Van"

"Come on, that's the third bottle this week"
He walks up to me, loosening his tie before shrugging off his suit

"Would've been 9 if it weren't for you"

Sighing he stands beside me watching me down another glass
He leans back a bit relaxing his posture
Combing back his hair

I pour the remaining wine out for him
And hand him the glass

"Thanks" He says
His eyes glancing around the room

And fall to the diary on the counter

"Oh, it's your old diary, never thought I'd see it again"
He reaches to the diary
And flips through the worn pages

I set the emptied glass
On the counter

Drops of wine pooling at the bottom

"Still can't believe you and Cam dated"
He grins at me
Sipping the wine

"Fuck you Ivan"

He laughs jovially
"You know I love you"

"I know"

☆
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