You were such a yellow-belly. You couldn't believe that you had just fled the scene after your no had become a yes with the sentence that the two of you would talk tomorrow. You had no idea why you wanted to avoid the conversation you both so desperately needed. You couldn't run away forever. So why not talk to John and be done with it? You knew why, you were afraid that he would be done with you. As simple as that. That it was just a decision made in the heat of the moment as your and more importantly his adrenaline was running high.
Because in that brief moment when your no had registered in his brain and his head had snapped up to look at you, you had looked beyond his walls. And what you had seen had scared you. Because in the briefest of moments, you had seen that John loved you just as much as you loved him.
And that scared you. Because until now you have resigned yourself to loving him without ever having your love returned. Then John had made it clear from day one that the woman of his heart would always stand between the two of you. And even though it had hurt you to hear those words come out of his mouth, it also had cleared your head - if not your heart - of what you meant to him. That he would hold on to the love he felt for his late wife. That he would give what was left of his heart to those he deemed worthy. His children and grandchildren. The ranch and his land. But not you. No matter what. And it had been okay for you.
Until you had looked into his eyes and your treacherous heart had decided to short-circuit your brain-mouth filter and let out a yes that made you hope and fear in equal measure. However, as you let the hot water run over your body, washing away the day's events, you felt the fear take over. Because if what you had seen was true, it would be even worse than you feared that John had kicked you off his ranch without giving you a chance to talk to him.
Because what would be enough if love hadn't been enough to stop John from kicking you off the ranch. You knew he was a rational and calculating man who often seemed cold-hearted. But until now, you had believed that this was the image of the rancher he wanted to project - and that, for the most part, he was. But there was also the private John you had gotten to know over the last year, with his children and grandchildren, with the cowboys and animals, with the ranch and his land, whom few had the honor of meeting.
A single tear rolled down your cheek as you reached for the towel to dry yourself. Gosh, you hadn't thought it was possible that your situation could get any worse. You knew you belonged on the ranch, with the Duttons, with John. You haven't felt like home in ages, if ever. You didn't want to lose that. But even though John had asked you to stay, you couldn't be sure if his rational side wouldn't take over and throw you out again.
Because John Dutton didn't do feelings. You were sure of that. He wasn't the type to serenade you or have a candlelit dinner with his loved one. He showed his love if you knew where to look. But you also knew he didn't have it in him to chase anyone, not even his loved ones. After all he had thrown every single one of his children out of the house. But they always found their way back to him. Them to him and not he to them.
And that worried you. Because you had seen your beloved John without his impenetrable walls, but you also needed the brave, confident and devoted cowboy who, for once, would be able to swallow his pride and chase after you. Because you needed him to take that first step. To come to you. To promise you that even if he might push you away again, he would always bring you back. That even though his rational side was often at the forefront, his love for you would still be big enough to overcome his tough as hell cowboy and allow the man underneath to love you.
Your mind was racing and when you felt the heat of the shower already leaving your body, you lit a fire and went looking for something to wear. Your eyes landed on the crumpled shirt you had bought John a few weeks ago. It had quickly become one of his favorites and since he had recently worn it, its calming scent invited you to come close. You were not the kind of women who wore their men's clothes. You had never understood the sentiment. But you could have sworn that this simple piece of clothing was calling for you. And who were you to deny it? And as you pulled the shirt over your head and caught the scent of your beloved cowboy on it, enveloping you in a warmth that normally only his arms could provide, you felt yourself relax and let go of some of the fear that filled your mind and clouded your heart. You grabbed the thick blanket at the end of the bed and trotted the few steps towards the fur lying in front of the fireplace.
You could almost describe it as romantic when the fire crackled in the fireplace and you snuggled up in the blanket while lying on the fur. But it wasn't romantic. It really wasn't. Because you were cold, colder than before. Even though John's shirt gave you comfort and the hot shower as well as the fire and the blanket gave you some warmth, it just wasn't the same as if John was with you.
You knew the cold would keep you from sleeping. But as you stared at the fire dancing before your eyes, you still held out hope that John would be able to swallow his pride and chase after you. You didn't have to talk, you were even afraid to if you were honest with yourself, but you could reconcile. Just being held by him would dispel your doubts and fears. If not forever, at least for the moment. Come tomorrow you would find new strength and hope but tonight you needed your man to pick up the fight.
