That was hope

Chapter 2: Remember me ~ UMI

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Again, TW!!!: Heavy themes like suicide, heartbreak, depression etc are being discussed. I f you feel triggered, kindly stop reading and take care of yourself because YOU MATTER!!!

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Summary: It's exactly one year since the break up, and Rique is still looking for ways to keep going on. He reconnects with a part of him that has never changed: his love for good views. He gains clarity on how the relationship was doomed from the start, and how badly he was treated. He finally shifts the blame from himself. A sweet surprise awaits him at the door after that.

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My room was lightly flooded with a slow tune as I sank into the mattress on my bed. I stared at the ceiling simply because the warm embrace of the extra sheets and my blanket could not drift me to sleep despite my cold pillow. Heat enveloped me, and I could feel it a little more than usual. It was either the bag of uncomfortable heat or the sea of cold outside it. 

Aware of how larger my bed felt, I began to twist and turn. Ironic how he had never slept on this bed but it felt a lot lonelier than it should. Despite the uncomfortable heat, the parts of the bed that were unoccupied were cold- that was a large part of the bed. Indeed, I was alone. Being alone was not the problem, however, it was the fact that I actually felt alone and older. I have been feeling like this for the past year. Actually, a time like this the previous year Mike and I would have celebrated our first year anniversary- that fact made me sick to my core.  

All my senses were acutely aware of the vast space in the room: how there could have been a familiar sweet voice to hear, how the room looked more dull without seeing him here, how the air could be filled with a recognizably gentle yet present scent, how there could have been an arm around me to hold me as I drifted to sleep....The only arms holding me down were my plushie's- short, but nostalgic and comfortable. This situation reminded me a lot on my childhood: whenever there was a storm I had a stuffed hedgehog to hug until the storm was over. The same hedgehog is here with me, hugging me to sleep as the storm rolls goes on. When would it end?

"Will you remember the way that you felt when you're next to me?" Those lyrics flooded my brain and all I could think of was, him. My grip on my stuffed hedgehog intensified as I kept hearing those lyrics. Frankly, the more I tried to get him off my mind, the harder those thoughts hit. UMI kept repeating those lyrics over and over and like a stuck gramophone record as 'what we could've been' kept playing in my mind over and over. Harsh realization after harsh realization hit me like a truck. The previous day, I would've taken my own life because he was my last straw. Why would he be my last straw? I saw shit like this coming to me and I stood there, rooted to the ground, throwing my hands to protect myself from this fate. A part of me looked down on him, knowing very well that I simply could not let this man break me. That was what I wished to think at the time when he had approached me. I was vulnerable. In desperate need for love and support. Despair drove my cogitative powers off me. Why would I be picky on who would love me when no one did? THIS. This is exactly why. Yet another reason to put my soul to rest.

Moonlight shone through my window, illuminating all the tears my pillow would catch. Noticing how beautiful the night sky was (a rare occasion due to light pollution), I found myself rising up and moving towards my window. I felt inclined to the moon today. However numb the thoughts made my heart become, it was not enough to stop me from marvelling at the sighting on my window. Good thing is my window has no barricades, so it was easy for me to hop on the window and sit by the wide edge to observe. Before me lie the trees around the forested neighborhood: well hidden, but swaying with the night breeze. Up above lie the moon, beaming at me as if the hope I had been looking forward to have was with it. Indeed, it was. Despite it being far away from me, I found myself another reason to keep living- I would keep missing such sights and views. The ecstasy from beautiful views like sunsets, sunrises, night skies, fireworks... that was the only thing that I carried with me as I drifted into darkness. Warm tears had welled up and had started rolling down my cheeks as I looked above. It felt like I could repent to the moon for being a shitty person- for being a shitty boyfriend and not fighting harder for my love.