dear diary,
I haven't been doing much lately, just laying in bed rotting. Just sleeping and doing nothing. I should probably do something though be a little productive, but I don't really have the will to do that right now. I haven't eaten anything in two days, I'm not hungry. Maybe I'm gonna clean my room a little bit tomorrow I'm not sure though I'm absolutely not motivated for anything at the moment. I have a lot of empty bottles and soda cans in my room. I could at least pick them up and bring them away to recycle them. It would get me a little bit of money as well, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. I also haven't really been texting with anyone the last few days a little here a little there, but I'm not really socialising at all even though I told myself I would try to socialise more in the holidays, but when I tell myself that it never really happens. I should also take a shower, but I am even less motivated to do that, they're also never seems to be warm water left for me and I was just sick so I don't want to take a cold shower and get sick again. I've been feeling very lonely for quite some time now, but over the past few days it has been getting a lot worse maybe that's because I'm not really socialising so I guess it's my fault, but I hate the feeling of loneliness. I don't know if it's fully my fault, but I feel like it like there is just something that I'm not doing right and that's why I have to be lonely all the time but I shouldn't complain. There are people who don't have friends at all. There are probably way more lonely than me. I don't wanna be ungrateful to my friends, my friends are very precious to me. saying this makes me feel like I'm disrespecting my friends. I don't know why, but I can't really bring myself to text anyone or be motivated enough to hold a conversation right now. I hate when I get so unmotivated to do literally anything but I never really do anything anyway, and the stuff that I do makes me so exhausted and I complain about that stuff, but when I don't do anything, I complain as well. I feel like I'm going insane, not because of that ,that's a different topic, but my thoughts and actions over the past few days have been really reminding me of my weird episodes and I'm starting to forget things really easily again which happens a lot when I am not sane. I feel like I'm very lucky that I can still reflect myself like that in such situations I'm always reflecting myself. I'm also hallucinating again. I hate it so much I know I'm always in my own world, not really here at all so I'm not sure at times if I'm hallucinating or not, but last night was really bad and I stayed up all night because I couldn't sleep. I'm just really tired at the moment, really unmotivated. my daydreaming has also been getting worse if that's even possible I'm not here at all,I should probably really snap out of it. My mom told me today that she isn't noticing me at all, and that I seem distant, though, I don't even know how she can tell me that when she is work all day. my mum doesn't really do anything with me anyway so I don't understand but I dont bother asking her about it. Why do these days go by so fast without me even noticing? but sometimes minutes can feel like hours?
-ako
