vent

19 Oct 23

Now his new act is he doesn't want to eat home. he wants a hot and fresh dinner, but he can't wait for it. When he comes home mom should plate him for a fresh dinner. Else he will go out and eat.

Today again he went out after fighting with my mom for nothing.

I won't forgive him. I want to make him suffer too. Why only my poor mom has to go through this. She didn't ask for it? It was him who came to her house and said that if they don't marry her to him he will never get married.

He only loves my mom when my mom does his work. He wants my mom to behave nice with his brother and sister-in-law. Then only my mom will get things like new clothes.

Those uncle aunt bitches are another story.
Dad you make me feel worse about simply existing. You make me feel disgusting dad. I get scared when i hear that you came home. my mind is always in a fight mode, when will he start yelling and I've to meddle and save my mom from a monster like you. I didn't deserve this?

Fucking 17 years.. i was crying each night thinking that tomorrow he will realise his mistake. He will become normal. He will LOVE ME.

whenever my male teacher praises me for something i feel parental attraction to them. I think he will love me like a father? I'll get better treatment from him? I expect more care from them, but of course they do something and i realised that, no one will like a broken girl like me. No one would care? why would they? they have their own life. I'm not someone special. I'm not even special to my own dad. Why would a stranger treat me nice?

I can't propose to my crush, i can't stand the rejection, i can't stand that no one is ever gonna love me.