Memories stay,scars fade

Part 1:why do i cut

Friday 14th August I've been lost for a while.But tonight I had given up I've lost all hope in my future my arms are week and to heavy to lift my thighs are rapped tightly with gauze I can't feel then from under my leggings.I walk the streets alone hoping no one could see me and the blood showing through my jumper.I doubt they would anyway I seem invisible no matter what I do,I never get Hurd or seen no one understand what it feels like to be mentally and physically drained but and again why would they there in there own world with there happy little families.Truth is I miss my family my mom was never home always out with her friends drinking my sister moved out when she was 15 I was only 10 when she left and my dad,well he had a problem he was okay for a while but he'd start drinking when things got tough it scared me he'd get violent,abusive not caring what he did to the family or anyone else around him.I guess that's why I'm not okay most of the time I've lost mostly everything I've got no family left,my mom has given up on me and my dads not around anymore all I have is mick,Lisa,Jayden there the only people who like to talk to me and sometimes I think they don't even wanna see me because of my scars and the way I am.I've never been a good friend I'm not the person who people think of when there having a bad day or if they want someone to talk to. I'm always left out I'm not sure why I try my best but never seems to work I guess I give up most of the time.

My mom always is always nagging me to get a job do better get somewhere with my life but the truth is I feel empty like all the time eveything I say or do causes a argument with me and my mom she never understands why I am the way I am I can't blame her I act like I'm completely fine all time cause it's better then explaining why I feel like this she wants me to go out I've never liked going out I can't talk to many people reminds me of the last time I tried to make a friend and be happy but oh well I'm never good enough but I have to try I walked around the village looking for a job I asked around "do u have any job openings" all I got was funny looks and "no" I was tired my arms felt like someone was pushing them down and my legs couldn't walk for much longer but as my mom said "your not coming back until u pay for staying in my house" so I carried on I walked into a music shop don't know what I was thinking but I asked around I was scared actually there were girls with high heels on,face full of makeup and hair sticking up. " excuse me" I asked the man being the counter doubted his fag "u alright there can I help u with something". "I I I I was wondering if u have any any jobs a a available" I said struggling to get my world out "erm I dont think little one check at the diner on Main Street Hurd the cleaner just moved away tell the owner bill sent ya alright little one look after yourself " the owner said he was strange had a weird deep voice the kind of voice u hear in horror movies if uno what I mean " okay thank you"I said quickly so I made my way to Main Street I finally arrived at the diner after 5 minutes that felt like 3 hours for my legs my clothes were scrapping of my cuts but I acted like it didn't hurt I was fine cause I kinda liked the pain in a weird way.I finally gained the courage the walk into my dinner "you alright strange girl u look lost darlin" the women behind the counter shouted. "Erm y y Yh I was told t t t to come here by bill over on Ashland avenue I think" I stuttered again. "Oh alright what u looking for we have a excellent well know breakfast menu" she said "I'm actually not here for food I'm looking for a job b bill said u might have one for me". "Oh okay we'll we have cleaning the kitchen,there's jobs around her that will pay way better than this girl" she said "no it's okay I'll I'll I'll take it" I'm not sure why I keep stuttering I'm really anxious right now haven't really spoke to anyone in months. "Okay then follow me the " I followed her around to the back of the kitchen she showed where the cleaning supplies were the mop the broom were to stack the plates it was all abit overwhelming to me. "You start 9am tommorow don't be late" she said I was al little intimidated by her she had tattoos all up her arms and legs but I went back home and told my mom I have A job course she didn't believe me I convinced her in the end .

The next day:I knew it was time to get up ready for my new job but I couldn't my body didn't want me to I have no Energy but I remembered what my friend use to say "come on get up keep fighting" so I did I got up and I looked at myself in the mirror and repeated "I can do this,I can do this,I can do this" over and over again until I felt better I got dressed looking at my scars and wounds asking myself why "why why why do I do this to myself" i left my house walked into town and went on with my life to my new job "great ur here thought u wasn't gonna show up" the woman said with a grin on her face "Ofc I came"I whispered "what ur name anyway strange girl" I hesitated "my names shara what's urs". "Shara I like that name olivia nice to meet right get to works" I was confused her moods just kept changing but I got along with the dishes anyway. No one was in the kitchen so I lifted my sleeves up to wash up but five minutes later olivia came in "what are those are u okay"she asked I just said "I'm fine I have a cat" because I didn't want to be see  or be treated differently because of what I do to punish myself. " a fucking cat fuck me need to get rid of the little bastered" I knew she didn't believe me I could  tell by her face the way she kept looking down at my arms freak bet that's al she was thinking but I didn't care I've been know to be a freak to everyone.Olivia told me I could early I asked "is this cause of my arms cause I can work im no different to anyone else here". "No not all that's ur buisness but if u don't mind what's the real reason there we all fucking up at this diner u can tell me" I didn't wanna say anything I just stayed quite she stud next to me for five minutes I had to say something " I lost someone I love and the truth is she was the only person who loved me for me and I broke her into millions of pieces and I'll never forgive my for that so I deserve it". She was silent for ages I just got my things and left dreading what work would be like tomorrow....