Five Minutes of Heaven With You

4

My eyes flutter open but I make no effort to move. I carefully turn my head to the side and see that Delia has already left the bed. I know I only have so much time before she comes back and I sigh. It's been months since that talk in the kitchen and things have not been getting better. I'm trying my best to stay positive and not make a big deal of it but it's hard.

As I hear footsteps get closer, I break free of my thoughts and throw the covers off me. I quickly get up, wincing a bit but pushing through. I move as fast as I can over to the bathroom and close the door so softly it barely makes a noise. At the same time, the bedroom door opens and I hear Delia's soft voice. "In the bathroom" I call out and I hear her steps approach the door.

"I just wanted to check on you. How are you feeling, darling?" she asks and I fight in my head over the real answer and what I'll tell her. "I'm alright" I settle with and I hear the door click, presuming she's leaned her body against it. "I know you're not ok. I can feel it" she mumbles and I close my eyes tightly.

I take a deep breath, not being able to bring myself the strength to lie. I gently tug at my shirt, my eyes cast down to the tile floor beneath my bare feet. "I'm cold" I whisper, "let me in. I'll warm you up" she offers and I shake my head even though I know she can't see me. "I'm gonna take a shower" I mutter and I hear her sigh deeply, in what I assume to be frustration.

"I'll be waiting for you in the kitchen when you get out. I was just about to make lunch" she utters quietly, "I love you" she adds and a tear falls down my face. "I love you too" I whisper before her steps fade, until the door closes in the distance. Once I'm sure she's gone, I go out into the bedroom to grab clothes.

I pick out what I think will be the most comfortable and head back to the bathroom. I turn on the shower, allowing the water to heat up while I get undressed. I do so very slowly, being careful not to cause any friction. Systemic lupus—that's what I have. I've been struggling specifically with the cutaneous kind; the one that affects the skin.

I've been able to hide this pretty well, sweaters and pants becoming a big part of my everyday attire. However, that doesn't fix everything—I still know it's there. As I discard the last of my clothes, I look in the mirror briefly. I turn my back on it so as to not dwell on things I can not change. I put my hand under the water to test the temperature and I sigh.

One thing about me: I love hot showers, but they aren't good for me. It irritates my skin and yet I continue to do it because it also calms me. I step in and hold my breath for a second as the water runs over my skin. The dial isn't much further than halfway and still, it hurts. I allow myself time to get adjusted, alternating my front and back in the water to make sure I get acclimated.

Then I turn it higher, and higher, until finally it's as hot as it will go. I just stand there for a while, my eyes closed as I feel the slight burn. Showers are the one time I feel like everything will be ok. Sure there's always anxiety before I get in but once I get adjusted? The peace I feel in here is unparalleled.

I figure I've been in here for a while so I grab the wash cloth. I apply some soap and gently wash myself, scrubbing very lightly on the built up skin. This is the only way I've been able to hide it from Delia. I can fake through the pain but I can't change my skin completely. So I endure the little burns of exfoliating to keep her at bay.

The last thing I want is for her to worry even more than she already does. Once I'm done, I turn the water off and get out. I reach to the back of the bottom cabinet and pull out some salve. It's something I mixed together a while ago, not knowing just how useful it would be. I apply it generously over my body before tucking it back in its hiding spot.

I get dressed and sigh, leaving the bathroom door open as I put my towel in the dirty basket. Another thing about this is my body temperature, I'm either freezing or boiling. It's very rare that I stay a consistent comfortable temperature—unless I keep on long sleeves. Fortunately for me, winter is coming so, the house is warmer than normal.

I cautiously descend the stairs, my hand gliding across the railing. I reach the kitchen and I see Delia sitting at the island, wringing her hands nervously. It's not a thing I see often so I know something is really bothering her. "Hey" I voice and she swiftly turns in my direction as I walk towards her.

"Hi..." she whispers and I smile softly, standing behind her and resting my arms over shoulder. I cross them and place my hands on her chest, kissing her cheek. "Baby... this isn't something you can hide from me" she mumbles and I'm thankful she can't see my face. "What do you mean?" I ask softly and she takes my hands, turning around while holding them.

I keep my face straight, the slight pressure with which she squeezes making them sore. "Just because I can't get sick, doesn't mean I don't recognize the signs" she sighs and I glance away from her. "You say there's nothing I can do and maybe you're right. Maybe this isn't something I can fix but—I can be there with you. You just have to let me" she whispers and yet it sounds so firm.

"Delia-" "I know what you're thinking. You don't want to be a 'burden' but Jasmine... you could never ever be a burden to me. I love you. Through sickness and health" she say and I finally meet her gaze again to see tears in her eyes. "I don't mean to—well I don't know if this will come out how I want it to..." she mumbles before take a breath.

"It breaks my heart knowing that I'll lose you but it's almost worse feeling like I'm losing you while you're still here" she voices, so soft that I barely hear her. One thing that is prominent though, is the tears running down her cheeks. I let go of her hands and brush her tears away as a few of my own line my eyes.

I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes. "It hurts" I confess, "where, my love?" she asks as her hands pull me closer to sit on her lap. "Everywhere" I whisper shakily as I cling on to her and she clicks her tongue. Her touch is lighter now, it's as if she's barely there. I thought this might make me feel weak, her treating me like some priceless glass statue.

Yet, all I feel is immense relief. I can enjoy her embrace, her warmth, without having to conceal anything. She asks me things and I don't hold back, I tell her everything. As I answer, I realize just how much I've been holding on to. I feel a weight slowly lifted off my shoulders as I tell her. When I'm finished, I lean up and look her in the eyes.

I don't see pity reflected in those brown eyes—no—what I see is love and concern. It's in this moment that I truly believe all those words she whispered to me over the course of years. Don't get me wrong, that's not to say I didn't trust her before. This... thing has just changed my perspective on everything.

I'd convinced myself that she might change her mind with this extra... baggage. Yet, looking at her now, I can see that's the furthest thing from the truth. "So..." I mumble, "yes?" she prompts and I bite my lip shyly. "What do I do?" I breathe out and she thinks hard for a moment. "You enjoy it" she states and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

"You take advantage of... what time you have left. I can help you manage the pain and-" she stops mid-sentence as tears rapidly form in her eyes. I too tear up, seeing how hard she's trying to make sense of this. "This is bullshit" she mutters, "I know" I whisper as I stroke her hair. "It's not fair" she shakes her head while tears fall and I just wipe them, letting her get it out.

"I'm taking time off" she suddenly decides and my eyes widen, "Delia, no. You can't do that—not for me" I stress, "yes, for you. I'd do anything for you and if—I wouldn't forgive myself if I was too busy working to be with you" she states shakily. "But-" "no buts. At least a few weeks and then we can come back to regroup, go from there" she asserts and I know she's already made up her mind.

"Ok..." I whisper, "yeah?" she asks excitedly as a smile grows on her face. "Do I really have a choice?" I counter funnily, "well, no. But I'm still happy you agreed so I don't have to drag you" she teases and I roll my eyes. "I miss seeing your smile" she whispers, her hand coming up to caressing my cheek. "I'm sure you'll be seeing it more often now" I promise as I lean in to kiss her.