Five Minutes of Heaven With You

3

"You're not supposed to go first" she whispers, "baby... it's not my death I need you to be ready for" I smile sadly. She furrows her eyebrows in confusion and I push the remaining hair out her face. I lean down and place a kiss on her forehead. "It's yours" I whisper, a barely audible confession as a tear falls from my own eyes.
~

"W-what does that mean?" she asks, her voice trembling along with her bottom lip and I just smile sadly. "I think you know what it means" I mumble and she shakes her head softly. More tears fall down her cheeks as she shuts her eyes tightly. I know this is something she doesn't want to face, but it can't be avoided either.

"Baby... we'll go to different places—different planes. But that's ok it-" "it's not ok!" she exclaims, getting out the bed. I hear her feet make quick movements as she paces in the dark. I sigh softly as I reach over to turn on the light, my eyes immediately perceiving her brow etched in frustration.

"Nothing about this is 'ok', my god" she exclaims along with mutters under her breath, I presume it's to calm herself. "Delia, baby, please just breathe" I utter calmly, "don't not tell me to 'breathe'. I am breathing" she quips and I stay silent, giving her time to think.

"How am I supposed to be calm? For fucks sake, I don't even know what's wrong with you" she says, her voice still raised a considerable amount above normal. "There's nothing wrong with me" I mumble, "I- I'm sorry... I just meant—I don't know what's happening to you" she sighs. Her shoulders drop in defeat as her tone lowers to a barely audible volume.

In the blink of an eye, it seems, she's lost her previous fire. Now all that remains is embers of a dying flame; she's tired. I know this has been worrying her, hell, it's been worrying me. I just try my best to keep it to myself—despite her protests. I don't want to put more on her plate than she already has.

She worries for me more than any person I've ever known. I know the mere thought of something happening to me distracts her. Let alone if I were to reveal what's actually been going on; I fear it'd be debilitating. Just as she does, I want what's best for the coven. A distracted or overly stressed supreme won't do anyone any good.

She doesn't know but I've been to the doctors, quite a few actually. I've done all sorts of tests and seen specialists, the whole nine. So I know there's nothing she can do to stop this. Which brings me great pain, both for myself and for her. I know why she is the way she is—the need for control. Me telling her this will be worse than if I just kept the secret hidden.

Having to accept the fact that there's nothing she can do, will wreck her. I know this because I'd feel the same way in her position. It's also how I know why she seems so afraid of death. Cordelia is by far the most fearless person I know—when it comes to the outside world, that is. So I know it's not the actual thought of death that she's afraid of.

It's what comes after all that is said and done. She's afraid to be away from me, to live a literal eternity without me. It scares me shitless too but it's a reality we'll one day have to face. It's the lack of control for her and I understand that. Knowing that no matter what she does—how good of a person she is on earth—how many people she helps... it'll still end the same way.

"Can you sit for me, please?" I ask and she hesitates but eventually takes her place next to me. "I just don't know what to do" she confesses in a whisper, her voice still shaky from tears unshed. "I know... I'm not really sure either, if that's any consolation" I smile half-heartedly. "I know that you know... why won't you tell me?" she asks sadly and I take her hand in mine, squeezing it gently.

"Honestly? Because there's nothing you can do" I state softly and let it sink in, giving her time to think about it. "How can you say that? Aren't you always telling me I'm strong a-and powerful? Who's to say I can't fix it?" she rambles and I let her for a moment before continuing. "You are all those things, baby. It's just—it's incurable, Dee" I whisper and her head turns to me quickly.

"W-w—I don't understand" she stutters, "what I have... it can't be cured" I repeat. "B-but why? Is it—I mean is it a lack of knowledge o-or medicine? We could go into the future—I could figure that out—and then we find what cures it and come back" she thinks out loud and I move a little closer to wrap my arms fully around her.

"We both know that's dangerous. Messing with the past is tricky enough, let alone the future" I whisper, "but don't you—I mean—damn it" she mumbles. "FUCK" I flinch a little, startled at her volume and choice of word quite frankly. "Tell me what it is" she demands calmly, "I know you, Delia. You'll just go down the same rabbit hole I did and find the same things" I sigh sadly.

"I don't care. I want—no need—to know" she asserts, "It won't do you, I, or any of the girls good to get into that" I point out. "So I'm just supposed to sit idly by while you die?" she scoffs and for the first time since we started talking, a true silence falls over the room. Of course I expected this reaction but I never prepared to hear the word.

I never thought such a thing was capable of leaving such beautiful lips. A word that holds so much pain, so much malice behind it, could ever be carried upon the breath of a being as beautiful as she. "I- I didn't..." she's at a loss for words, as am I. "I think we should get tea" I state abruptly before standing up and heading for the door.

So we do. Quietly descending the stairs side by side, careful not to wake anyone. I put the kettle on and lay my palms on the countertop, the marble cooling my burning hands. I press them down, doing my best to conceal the tremble. A soft but high-pitched whistle begins to sound throughout the lower level and I quickly turn the heat off the kettle.

I grab two cups, and two tea bags, pouring the steaming water over them. I let it steep, fixing it up how we both like it and set one in front of her. I take a seat across from her at the island and stare down into the cup longingly. It's not like I didn't know this moment would come; I did. I suppose this isn't really something you can prepare for, despite what I tried to tell myself.

"Jas, I'm sorry... I know I'm saying that a lot and—but I just—it's hard. It's been hard. I can't imagine what you must be going through and I... well I don't want you to feel like you're doing this alone. I'm here. You don't have to keep this all on your shoulders. Please..." she reaches out and grabs my hand, my teary gaze lifting to meet her own.

"Let me take some of it for you" she whispers and I force myself to smile, her sweetness making this all the more difficult. Yet, this is exactly what I need—she always knows just what I need. "Ok" I mutter and she smiles softly, probably for the first time tonight. "But... we start slow. I can't tell you everything at once" I say and she nods quickly.

"Whatever makes you comfortable, that's all I care about" she promises and I smile genuinely which cause her to smile wider. She walks around the island, placing a gentle kiss on my lips, and sits next to me. We talk for the next two hours before we retreat to the room for a bit of sleep.

I lay awake for a bit, long after she's drifted off. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this—how I'm to ease her into it. She'll never accept it, I know that. I just want her to be able to manage it, to cope healthily. I stroke her hair as a means to calm myself, allowing the silky strands to pass through my fingers with ease.

Oh my precious girl, you don't even realize. The hardest part has just begun...