Chapter Eleven.

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White, flowing gown. Tall autumn grass swaying with the rhythm of the wind. Her scent. His scent. This place was unfamiliar to the eyes but known to the soul.

Maybe I had known this scene from another life, a life where I stood in his place, white tuxedo coupled with an incredibly lovesick demeanor as he stared directly into the eyes of the love of my life.

Faded wooden chairs scattered around them in no particular order; it was as if the event had been strung together within mere minutes, an incredibly rushed affair. As if she couldn't have waited even a moment longer to give her heart, soul and body away to the next willing man. Of course, only if that man wasn't me.

"Through your anger and through your strife,"

She did not speak her words to me, yet she looked directly at me. Her eyes seemed to be more than glistening not with just happiness but filled to the brim with sadness and uncertainty. I couldn't call out to her, my voice escaped me as nothing more than an added breeze. I couldn't look away, unseen hands gripping either side of my face forcing me to watch this unsightly show. Tears burned just as hot in my eyes as the tar had, perhaps this was even more painful.

"I will be beside you. Through your hurt and your confusion, I will be a guiding light."

Chains snaked around the arms and legs of the chair, encasing me with their metallic jingling and cold sting just as I felt an inaudible snarl rip through the entirety of my body; I'd kill him. Sink my teeth into his throat and rip out the contents just to kiss her lips with his blood still on my own.

He didn't know her like I knew her. He didn't listen to her like I had listened to her. He hadn't stayed beside her like I had stayed beside her.

And that's when I realized why I couldn't speak, because I had no right to.

Had I stayed beside her like I really thought I had, if I had helped her as much as I thought I did, if staying away from her for all of this time had really helped her survive like I thought it had, she wouldn't be doing this now.

This wasn't to spite me. This was because of me.

I pushed her away so hard that she fell right into his arms. Right into his heart. Right into his ring on her finger.


I jolted upright, sweat beading my forehead as the entirety of my senses sprang to life.

There was no gentle breeze to be felt on the inside of a makeshift tent, and for that I found myself immediately relieved. Yet, my body still trembled with unfathomable rage for a situation that hadn't even happened. At least, not yet. I knew she hated me. She looked at me and her eyes held contempt.

But is that what her heart held? It certainly wasn't what her heart said the very moment I broke her out of her bloodlust.


I thought I had already faced the most difficult decision of my entire life when I had first been turned into a monster, but I had no idea what was to come back then. Maybe if I had been able to see a glimpse into my future, to see what I would ultimately have to choose to do in order to help the woman I loved, I'd have chosen to kill myself rather than kill others instead.

I didn't see any way around it. Toby had half a mind to let her have a go at me as it was; he saw me as competition, which I thought was quite strange. There was no competition when she was still even a little bit mine, and the fight between us proved that that was a very likely possibility.

She didn't come at me lightly; in that moment, I was nothing. I was a body filled with blood that she intended to spill, nothing more and nothing less.

The moment Toby loosened his grip even enough for her to just barely wriggle, she broke completely free of him. Even as I took on a fighting stance, I loved her. Even as I dodged her first, second and third swing, I loved her. 

It was true that she had become an incredibly skilled fighter. A twinge of pain and guilt wracked through me as I thought about just how much she must have endured to get to where she was. I had promised to return to her when it was safe, when I thought she could handle it. I broke my promise.

I thought about letting her kill me then and there. She would have been finally rid of me for good. Memories of us that plagued her would be soaked with my blood, the finality of it all hitting just as hard as she had always wanted it to; she never had a definitive piece of closure. She didn't know if I had run away to the woods or had been killed before I had even got the chance. She didn't know if I had loved her so much that I couldn't possibility stand the idea of her failing the conditioning or if I hadn't loved her at all and had just decided to leave for my own sake.

For a moment, I could imagine us in a different setting. Though it was quite the opposite of romance, the way we were so close to one another, the way we were weaving around each other, it would almost be mistaken for an elaborate waltz. I could imagine her as she was, her clumsy nature overtaking her as she tripped over my foot. But she would always save face with an utterly enchanting smile, the kind of smile that only fools in love could make.

But she was not a fool in love. At least, not a fool in love with me, not then.

It was what she said when I had finally tired her out, when we had drifted far enough off of the dirt path to find ourselves entangled amongst the dense woods that had given me hope.

I knew she was tiring. Her breath was quickening and the rage that had flooded her vision wasn't as tangible as it had been; I knew the bloodlust was fading. I had to make it so that she knew if she fought back, she would lose.

When she made another final lunge for me, I pushed back against her chest hard enough for her to stumble backward, her back hitting a tree trunk with enough force to not only knock the wind out of her but send a few less fortunate pieces of bark to the forest floor. I didn't particularly want to hurt her, but I knew that in order to break her free she had to feel as if fighting was futile.

I closed in on her, my arms on either side of her head, my hands digging into the tree, our chests touching as they rose and fell.

I let my head tilt to force her to make eye contact when she tried to look away, her eyes trying their hardest to be filled with that dreaded contempt. But it just wasn't there, she couldn't will it to be there when she knew she didn't mean it.

And that's when three words left her lips. Three words that she spoke in a hushed whisper so that the self-appointed referee wouldn't be able to hear. But she knew me, and she knew I could hear it.

"I missed you."


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I haven't died! Why has the last three months been the most intense part of my entire 22 years of exsisting? maybe i'll never know and maybe it's better i dont

cherish your family yall is all i want to say on the matter, except if they are toxic.

I literally love each and every one of you and I look forward to finishing this book the way I wanted to. I'm hoping I can come back to my regular updates, but we now have an extra 3 kids in our household which makes us a big ol happy family of six people in a three bedroom house <3

Be merry, eat candy and drink water and also brush your teeth <3

And if you're going to Meatball, do it Extravagantly.

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