In The Shadow

Getting Through

The game against Chelsea came faster than I thought it would, we were playing in London and Jessie and I had tried to see if we could see each other before the game but it wasn't gonna happen so we will have to wait for after. On the bus to the stadium for the match, the vibes were a bit more tense than usual. I was sitting alone since I was avoiding Alexia, I am not sure she realized, or she just didn't care.

Before the match, I met Jessie in the corridor, we talked a bit and hugged, it didn't feel like before. It was different; it didn't feel the same, it didn't have the warmth it used to. We were interrupted before we could talk by Alexia shouting at me to get in the line. I jogged at my place without a word and waited to walk on the pitch. The first half was one of the worst we played in a while; Ona got burned in the first ten minutes of the game and it almost cost us a goal. Mapi got back just on time to disturb the attack and I managed to deflect the ball. Our defense felt like they had never played together and in the attack all our shots were wide. During a break in the game I saw Jona's face, he looked murderous. Half-time talk will be harsh with reason, I don't know how we managed to still be scoreless on either team but it was definitely not because we were playing better. We were lucky their shot went wide or straight at me and the crossed bar from earlier almost went in. Yeah I really need to thank my guardian angel after the game, and the god of football.

-Hey Jessie!

-Hey congratulations on the clean sheet and the last minute win.

-Yeah thank you it's all them, I just have incredibles teammates.

-You always say that, you haven't changed. Jessie jokes. So we are seeing each other tomorrow morning for coffee. I won't be great company tonight.

-Yeah I know, you get grumpy when you lose.

-Shut up! See you tomorrow.

I nodded and joined the changing room where everyone was celebrating the win.

-You are gonna see Jessie again ? The changing room seemed to stop to listen to the conversation, and Ona particularly listened and looked at the interaction between the sisters.

-Yes. Tomorrow we are going to have coffee together. Ona's face crumbled and she looked at her feet. Alexia scoffed, her face transformed from anger at me.

-You need to get over it! I don't know what's wrong with you but you don't have a say about who I decide to keep as a friend or not. You are not Mom nor Dad and even they don't have as much expectation as you have. So you need to step away! Damn it I was better when I was away from you! At least you weren't close enough to try to dictate my life!

Angry from my outburst and from Alexia I left without taking a shower and left the stadium in my kit. I was wandering around not too far away from the stadium not wanting to go back to the hotel where I was rooming with Alexia, when a car stopped at my side. The window went down revealing Jessie and Niamh Charles, they told me to get in before it started raining. In the backseat was Zećira Mušović. I have insane respect for her, she is an awesome goalkeeper.

-So asked Jessie from the front, can you tell me why your mom called me to pick you up because you had a fight with your sister ?

-I don't know. You didn't have too. Sorry.

-Not the point we are going at mine, and we are gonna talk.

Jessie's apartment hasn't changed since we broke up except for some pictures where we were on who have been replaced now. I look around while she does some tea in the kitchen, when she gets back she goes on the couch and looks at me. I don't say anything. Finally I joined her on the couch without looking at her. She looks at me for another couple of seconds but I don't meet her eyes. So she began talking about her family at first then about how bad she felt after our break up even though she was the one who talked about it first. She told me how her team was there for her and how she got a really close friendship with Niamh and Zećira because of it. She also talked with my fellow goalkeeper from Australia, Teagan Micah and gave some news. Hearing her voice calmed me, Jessie has a general vibes of calmness which is really great, it always used to put me at ease. So I told her everything, the fight with Alexia, the feeling I had that I had disappointed her and finally I talked about Ona. I told her that she helped me get over our break up and when I got ill she was there for me, and all the time we spent together.

-You realize she isn't your friend right ? I am sorry if I am a bit abrupt but we both know how dense you can be. That Ona, she isn't your friend, the feeling in your chest, the warmth, the twist of your stomach everything. You are in love with her and I am pretty sure you are the last one to know it. I am pretty sure she has been in love with you for a longtime and your whole team knows. You should talk to her. Tomorrow. Now it's time to sleep.

I settled on the couch, Jessie's words ringing in my head. Ona was in love with me ?! No way. She wasn't, I would know. She would have told me, right ? My thoughts were going on a loop in my mind while the clock ticked on the whole, when I woke up in the morning it was time to go back to the hotel, or I'd be late for the bus.

Jessie drove me to the hotel in silence, she looked at me a couple of times but decided to let me in my thoughts. When we arrived she parked on the other side of the road from the hotel, we could see the team waiting and putting their stuff in the bus; Alexia was looking around with what looked like my bags. I looked at them without moving; Mapi was with Ingrid and was talking to Ale, probably trying to get her mind off of me. Ona was with Aitana, Salma and Keira. They were in animated discussion but Ona wasn't participating seemingly, she looked like a kicked puppy. She looked toward Alexia from time to time, the others were minding their own business. I turned around looking at Jessie who smiles gently at me, the kind of smile you give to a dangerous wounded animal. It seemed fitting I felt like a wounded bear awake in winter. I smiled back, or I tried to. She got out of the car and I followed, in her truck she grabbed a bag of stuff I left at hers when we were still together, she never sent them back and I didn't go searching for them. She gave them to me, and opened her arms for a hug. I let her hug me and say goodbye. I don't know how to feel right now, the hurt of the break up has faded leaving a nostalgia I don't know what to do with.

When I cross the street towards the bus, Cata is the only one waiting for me. Alexia isn't looking my way and Ona's group has already gone into the bus. I smile at Cata grateful for her wordless friendship and her presence. On the bus, I find myself with the rowdy bunch and they help get my mind off these few days in London. Patri and I teamed up to win against Cata and I finally feel like I am breathing again since the match against Chelsea was announced.