DIARY TWENTY FOUR 💗

THE UNKNOWN. . .

The unknown.

Hey guys I know it has been so long since I've updated ? how are you ? really though hows you'r mental?

Well you will be pleased to know I am in a Good space FINALLY . I've let go of many things hindering my happiness .

I took a year to myself which felt like hell , I found myself giving more of me then I had to offer . But thats the thing about life you never know how much of you You're putting out until it's over . Isn't it so crazy how life works? one day you will feel your best , then the next everything is Gone? the things you once loved , the people you once loved ? why is that ?

As Im sitting here listening to Avant " Don't take your love away ".

Im asking myself a series of questions such as . . . .

why do we only get one shot at life ? I ask myself everyday is the life I'm living worth living? the answer to that is YES . I love the experiences and memories made .

however I sometimes beat myself up about the things I cant change . Like the fact that I'll never have my mom back? or my brother shit even my aunts ..

I use to Yell and scream Telling GOD he was a terrible GOD .

But who was I too Judge our creator? Because he needed them more than I did.

Now I simply tell God thank you , Thank you for allowing me to experience 24 years with them , Thank you for each lesson . Now I only hope they are living up to everything and more than the did here on earth with you . GOD thank you for giving me purpose .

Moving along I Know that seems so easy to say . Here comes the issues I now have with understanding death is permanent. I feel that I am undeserving of Love or that I am hard to love because of the random emotional Roller coasters I go through . I feel I will never find someone who once loved me like they did without Judgement pure genuine love .

Most of it is fear , fear that I'll get so attached to someone and then they suddenly leave. My heart cant take another loss . My heart is literally hanging on by a single breath . I stopped asking God to fix it , I stopped wanting the feeling of love from another human . I Hope I don't sound too crazy because I am aware that many people love me , Many people care deeply for me . And I am sorry that I have these feelings .

But My anxiety is so bad I get really scared of meeting new people my Heart often feels like its stopping as I walk pass others , or when Nice things are done to me .I dont know at this point I am just expressing all of my feelings at once . . . TO BE CONTINUED