I Wish I Had The Courage To

October 8, 2023

The title date is different from the date I uploaded this. Its because I don't have the courage to share it that time as the pain is still fresh. The pain that's hurting me big time. I don't know if it is related to the media I posted with this chapter but yeah, like what I always do in this book i'll just express myself however I like.

October 8, 2023.
One of the traumatizing day of my life.
Nakakaputangina ang nangyari that day.

We (my family and I) came home late from the birthday/binyag of my cousins from my father side. My grandpa is the one who's left at home to take care of the dogs and everything. He called me around 5 in the afternoon and told me that he will go somewhere "may pupuntahan lang ako saglit" and he asks me what time daw kame uuwi, so I said "maya-maya lang po patapos narin yung party" so he said okay.

Everything is going smoothly. Before we came home, his kambal called my mother from her granddaughter's house. So we stop by at their house before finally going home. And since its a party, liquor is everywhere. Drunkards here, there, and everywhere. My parents are both drunk. And without our knowledge, my grandpa is also drinking on his brothers' house. Which is just walking distance from our house.

Later that night, we came home late enough that we thought he was already in the house since he said "saglit" during our conversation earlier that day. But no, he wasn't. So I called him, and he answered. We said that we're already at the house and the key to the gate is with him. We didn't bring the key since we didn't know that he has a plan to go somewhere. And because he is already drunk, he took my call and told us that he's going home. But 20 minutes later, he's still not here. So I called him again, and he is still there. Not moving an inch to go home.

And since we rushed him to go home (as everyone is tired since we had a long day) naputol oras ng pag-iinom niya. Being the hayok sa alak that he is, he has gone mad when he came home. Really drunk and really mad.

He started sprouting nonsense. Telling my mother that I lied and that I should have told him that we were coming home already. But I did told him that "maya-maya" lang and he also said "saglit" so I'm holding on to his word. And since I am already tired, I forgot to chat him and I know I am partly at fault too.

BUT but, he said something that is beyond and below the belt that makes me cry. The crashed my self-confidence that I am slowly building as I am slowly accepting my flaws. Which is where I am having a hard time to. He also said bad words to me like "putanginamo wala ka naman ginagawa dito sa bahay ganyan pa ginagawa mo" "putanginamo sana hindi nalang kita naging apo" like, how come its my fault to be his granddaughter? I didn't even chose him in the first place. I would be given a chance to choose, then he wouldn't even be in the options.

Later that night, after what he did. I fucking cried myself to sleep, and I told my Aunt everything he did and said to me, about me. Being the caring Aunt she is, she told my grandmother (her and my mom's mother) what happened the other day. And my grandmother is so mad to him by what he did to me.

I am a lolo's girl tbh, but because of everything bad he did to me growing up, I became distant. And he asks me why I am acting like that. And tf with him, he didn't even knew and he didn't even realize the things he did.

Since then, I became more distant from him. And ever since that day, everytime I come home late from school, I always ask my mom if he is drunk or whatsoever as I got really traumatized with what he did. I even waited for my father to go out of their room to cry in front of my mom the other day. Which I never do. And she told my Aunt about it, which she also told their mother.

I promise myself that for now, I will let him do what he wants. And I will let karma hit him. When the time comes that I am strong enough to fight, I will. I wouldn't do what he did to me to my future children and grandchildren. He isn't the man he used to be.

-Z