I get startled at the loudest of sounds
From the streets or even at my house.
I found the loudest noise, the chatters and the silence of my voice.
And i find myself sitting alone, just infront my porch, telling myself "I should've socialized more"
I stay high sometimes low
You'll see me showing different faces than you'd known.
It turns quite ugly so i hide myself and don't know which is me before.
I feel scared, from the noises and echoes it makes.
And my brain just keep repeating "please shut up, im just trying to do my thing here." Your voice, noise, even the sound of you irritates my whole being.
So please stop....... Cause i might find myself doing something i will regret if i continue to put faces i know, not myself.
The faces you see are aren't me
It's the disguise i put myself to be happy.
To say "i could do it too, can't you see?"
Just to be free. Am i free?
To fit in so i could feel......something. but are you happy?
"Oh shut up i know what I'm doing"
You say that, but cry yourself every morning "you're being dramatic! Shut your crap you're pathetic."
For once...... I want to feel
Not empty or void, not feeling sad or annoyed. Not frightened at my own voice.
I want to feel myself.
"You don't know yourself anymore. You're just a shell and pretty disposable."
And all hell breaks loose and now I can't tell myself anymore.
Do i cry or smile?
Is it bad to feel sad and mad?
Mad at myself for being so much of coward i forgot to remember me. And thoughts just....... What does it feels to be me?
I want out.
I want myself back.
4:13 pm
October 28,2023
