The Dyspraxia Diaries

The Executive Dysfunction is Functioning

Today I feel a bit like a zombie (fitting for the time of year, I guess). I really want to be productive and get things done, yet when I try it just feels like swimming against the current. I don't get anywhere, and I might get further out to sea, feeling like I'm going to drown under the seemingly endless and impossible list of things that I need to do. I just feel so heavy, like I can't do anything. Yet I can do things, just not the things that I need to get on with.

I am in basic function mode today. Anything with a process or a lot of instructions feels impossible. I have a pile of laundry to do but even just thinking about sorting my lights and darks feels too overwhelming. I'm not sure whether it's because it's such a tedious task or it has more than one element to it, but it is just too much. I can just about grab some lunch and do the basic things that I do every day, nothing more.

I find lists are very helpful when I am feeling overwhelmed by the things that I need to do. However, today I felt like even making a list was just too much. I felt distracted the whole time, I couldn't sit still, I struggled to think about what I needed to do and then by the time that I'd finished the list, I couldn't even start on the first task. It was simply too much.

Now, the fact that I was able to sit and write a list was an achievement: I am glad that I managed to get that done because even if I don't have the brain power to do anything today, I will be able to do it another day or tick things off throughout the week.

I think part of my struggle is that today I feel like everything is endless. For example, if I clean the kitchen, I will still have to wipe the surfaces every time I cook, regardless of whether I have given it a deep clean. If I do the laundry, then there will always be something else to go into the machine after I've finished... and so the list goes on. I often get stuck in these thought spirals, and they always make me feel super anxious because: 1. I feel trapped in a never-ending cycle; 2. I can never get anything done when this happens; 3. I'm annoyed at myself that I can't do a super simple task that I have done so many times.

It feels like I'm self-sabotaging. I'm trying to do things that will help me stay more organised and keep on top of things so that functioning is so much easier, especially during the week when I'm busy. I usually try to use my Sundays to get the tedious chores out the way and set up my calendar for the week ahead. So, to take it one step further, I decided that I would add other reminders in too - literally as simple as which day to take which bin out. This is something that I would normally find helpful, so I know it would be making my life so much easier, and I would enjoy this task as I love colour-coding. For some reason there just seems to be this block in the way stopping me from doing it. I honestly don't know what else to do: I made a list of what I wanted to add to my calendar, and I had both tabs open side-by-side. However, my brain clearly thought that this was either too much or not enough and I started going into that spiral, so I was doom-scrolling on Instagram instead.

I get so frustrated when I do this, because it's not even like I get anything fulfilling out of my life by doing this. I am trying to help myself, but I can't even do that because my brain just decides that it doesn't want to do it and comes up with a distraction or an excuse not to.

Personally, I think that this is a lot more than your classic case of procrastination. I don't choose to put off tasks. I genuinely cannot do them unless I am somehow able to find a way of completing it that does not feel too overwhelming and is the perfect balance of stimulation. Today, I clearly cannot do things that are mentally stimulating and that require too many thought processes or actions, and I am okay with that. Yes, it is frustrating, and I would like to find a way around it, but I am going to recognise the fact that I have been able to make a list. If that is the only thing that gets done today, I need to accept that it is okay. In an ideal world, I would have been super productive today and ticked off everything on that list because I know that a lot of the tasks won't take long. Clearly, the barrier that I am facing today is just too thick to break through. Hurdles need to stop being too high to jump over, I only have little legs!

Honestly, being able to sit and write this feels like a miracle. I feel like it doesn't require that much processing - I just say what pops into my head and because I can talk about anything, I don't have to worry about going off topic like in an essay. It has given me a bit of calm in an otherwise busy-brained day.

Please remember thatif you feel this way, you are not lazy. Although physically you haven't donethe task, you have clearly been thinking about it a lot... it's the thought thatcounts! Be kind to yourself, take your time and give yourself a break. You willprobably feel a lot better for doing that and be able to be more productiverather than running on empty all the time.