The Dyspraxia Diaries

Why am I getting an ADHD assessment?

This week I contacted my GP surgery for advice on how to get hold of an ADHD assessment. I'm very aware there's a huge waiting list in the UK so I just need to know that I've at least tried to do something about it. This is something that will help me in the future, but why am I feeling guilty about it right now? I always feel the need to justify everything I do even if there's no need. If I do get a diagnosis, it's not going to change who I am in the same way as if I find out that I'm not ADHD. I just need to break everything down into little chunks to try to reason with my noisy brain, so that is exactly what I am going to do.

The 'symptoms' I experience:

Never knowing where or how to start a task Putting things off that require mental effort Not wanting to do things that I know will take a long time Fidgeting when sat or standing for a long time Forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence because something else popped into my head Can be excessively chatty with people I know well but stay quiet around people I don't know Anxiously plan for trips and events to be prepared for timings because I know that I need a time goal, otherwise I will be late Losing train of thought very easily Difficulties following verbal instructions Get upset very easily if something doesn't go the way I expected/planned Hard time maintaining a long term relationship because I lose interest Struggle to concentrate and feel overwhelmed in high-sensory environments, and sometimes I'm completely fine and can hyperfocus through it. Struggle keeping up with and focusing during conversations I was a chronic daydreamer as a child... really don't know how I got good grades Not being able to hold down a hobby for more than a few weeks before becoming completely disinterested and moving on to something else Difficulties with planning far in advance Have to mark everything in my calendar otherwise I will forget

There's probably more but I can't think of any right now

Why was this not picked up on before?

Unfortunately the presentation of ADHD in girls has only recently started to take off in the world of research. A lot of sites say that ADHD is more common in boys than girls, however because of this 'new' research discovering discrepancies in symptoms and types based on gender, there are many more females who are now being assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, when in the past they may have been dismissed or misdiagnosed. I do not show the 'obvious' hallmark symptoms of ADHD that I used to think of when you view your stereotypical ADHD brain, and because of this I didn't recognise that this could be the answer just because I don't tick all the boxes. However, since leaving school and learning to live on my own, I noticed that I do have a lot of the 'classic' symptoms, but I was always masking in the classroom because I had a huge fear of being called out in front of the class. I needed to look, act and think in a certain way - anything different or that made me stand out I saw as the most terrible thing in the universe. So I suppressed it all... which I don't recommend because it came back to bite me on the butt in terms of my mental health. I was chasing an unattainable version of the 'perfect' student, and apparently a neurodivergent student is not what that looked like for me.

That's enough dwelling on the past, I can do nothing to change that, but what I can do is try to change what happens in the present moment so that my future can be filled with much more positivity and confidence.

Why am I filled with doubt?

When I had my dyslexia and dyspraxia assessment, I went in fuelled with confidence. I knew that I was finally going to get some answers. I don't have dyslexia, but I do have dyspraxia. So already I should be at an advantage because I know what it feels like to get a yes and a no answer. Nothing in my life changed after that, and if it did it probably changed for the better. I received a report at the end of the assessment with all the facts and figures and recommendations for my university or future employers. It has given me a lot of confidence because to have a breakdown of my brain on paper just affirmed the fact that my concerns and behaviours were valid, making me feel seen. Also, that I was right.

Mentally I did feel a bit strange after finding out about my dyspraxia, but I think that's probably normal and valid for a late diagnosis. I had gone 19 years of my life feeling that there was something 'wrong' with me, and then found out one day in January at this nice lady's kitchen table that that something 'wrong' is actually a disability. It's not me, it's just the way that I was born. I did go through a bit of a grieving process, all the 'why did no one pick up on this before?'s and the 'what if someone had noticed this when I was little?' or even 'what would have happened if I wasn't dyspraxic?'.

And now I just think it's crazy that I was asking these questions. This diagnosis is probably the best thing that has happened in my life so far. I didn't think it at the time... well I think I did but it was just a bit strange to adjust to... even though I had nothing to adjust to. I have always had dyspraxia, getting a diagnosis at 19 doesn't mean that's when you became dyspraxic. I have always been dyspraxic, probably since I was conceived (although there's not much evidence about this yet, but it's my theory), and I didn't just suddenly become dyspraxic at 19. I have always been dyspraxic, and I always will be dyspraxic. There's nothing I can do about it and I've made my peace with that. All I did was get a label for something that I had struggled with my whole life, and I know I can do that all over again with ADHD because I am in a much stronger place emotionally than I ever have been. I think I need this assessment to make sure I'm not completely crazy.

How do you know that it's not just dyspraxia?

I don't. That's why I'm getting this assessment - I would rather know than not know because it is eating me from inside out. I want more insight into my brain. There isn't enough research yet to convince me that all the traits I have are based on dyspraxia, and I think I do have a lot that cross-over into both 'disorders' (for lack of a better word) and those are the traits that are exaggerated and have the biggest impact on my life, making me think that it's not just dyspraxia.

I feel like I should write more but I kind of run out of steam and couldn't think of any more ideas. I'm going to be kind to myself and not push it and leave it here. My brain has been through a lot this week, so I'm going to do what I do when I'm feeling tired physically: take a break.

OMG I JUST MADE A BREAKTHROUGH: A neurodivergent diagnosis isn't a diagnosis, it's a prognosis.

Okay I'm going now

Peace out ✌️