The Dyspraxia Diaries

Feeling Stuck

I wanted to silence my brain noise a little bit because I couldn't move or decide what my first step was simply just to go for a short walk and get some fresh air today. I decided to write because that always seems to shut my brain up enough to get some more structure to my thoughts. Anyway, I've left this unedited to keep this as authentic to myself as possible... including the horrific punctuation.

i want to go for a walk but i can't. i need to go for a walk but i can't. why? don't have a clue. 

i feel stuck, unable to move, and so so so tired even though i haven't done anything. I want to be able to go outside and enjoy the weather, even if it is just for 5 minutes. i want to have a moment today where i'm mindful and not staring at a screen. so why am i still lying here on my phone feeling absolutely miserable? beats me. 

the idea of a walk excites me, fresh air, sunshine, change of scenery, movement. but i just can't seem to move. it's not that i don't have the motivation, believe me, the motivation is there. i know that i need this and it will help get me out of this rut, even just a little bit. so what is it that's holding me back? i'm not scared of anything, i'm not feeling pressured. i just feel guilty now for wasting a beautiful afternoon but being glued to my bed, screen in front of face. i've done that all week, why can't i just take a break from it? is it because taking a walk isn't as intriguing as what lays behind the layer of blue light and a touch screen? surely i would feel happier after taking a walk. even if i look at my phone afterwards at least i can say that i've been out and done something today. and it's not a matter of productivity and prioritising, because i know that a walk would be the most productive thing for me to do right now and then maybe after i might feel able to do other tasks. and if i go back to looking at a screen, im fine with that. what i'm not fine with is not getting out at all. when i'm working from home at least i pop out for coffee or to a supermarket in my lunch break. it might be my only time outside and be very short for the whole day but at least it's something. 

i haven't moved today and i feel like i can't even though i know i can. i think it's the idea that i should do this that's putting me off, but the problem is i've been looking forward to a walk and i want to go on one... but i just can't. maybe it's me telling myself it will be good for me that's putting me off. that isn't the thing that's motivating me, so i need to find another motivation. 

okay, so, the earlier i leave, the earlier i can get back and the less time i will spend putting this off. hmmm idk if that's a very good motivation but it's working a little bit. ok i can do this i don't need to plan where im walking, i need to just do it and see where my legs take me. 

i think that was the main issue was being concerned about where i was going more than actually completing the task. and because i didn't decide i didn't feel like going because i didn't finish what i put energy into to not get an outcome. 

well, my outcome of this is that i am going to leave within the next 20 mins, put a podcast on my earphones and just walk.

i don't care where i end up, i just need to do this to get over the hump.

Update: I managed to get out for an hour - felt better as soon as I put my shoes on! So proud of myself even if it is the only thing I do today <3