all those nightmares

Chapter One

-I couldn't reach it. I just couldnt, it was impossible. Slowly I let the dread & misery fill me up. The hopelessness that was so familiar to me, that in a way almost made me feel comforte. I thought of my mom, I thought of her hugs, her warm laugh & smile. It seemed to pull me away from the darkness and towards the light I had been so desperatly reaching for. I put my hands out for one last try, Im going to make it this time... I have to make it this time. Just as my hands closed around the light my mothers hugs turned into strangulation, her laugh turned into hateful shrieks & her warm smile turned into a cruel snarl. How close I had came to the light that promised me the happiness, warmth & peace I desperatly craved. Now vanished, replaced by the explodeing sorrow of the darkness that consumed me. I let out one more shrill scream-

I was practically ripped from my nightmare with my heart hammering in my chest, sweat coating my body & tears were streaming down my face. I placed my head in a hands. What the fuck? I havent had a nightmare in two weeks, although I haven't slept much in two weeks either. I let out a long sigh attempting to calm my heart & breathing, which was more sporadic then I first noticed. I swung my legs on to the floor & padded softly to the bathroom. I looked at the olive skinned girl with dead blue eyes & thick black hair that reached her waist. Everyone always said I had bright.... Happy eyes before & Just like that, a simple memory such as that one made me feel the strong sense of pain creep back into my heart. The pain where it feels like someone plunged their hands into your chest & opened it up as far as it would go. Creating the empty depressing hole where your heart once was. I furiously wiped the stupid tears from my face & did my best to push my saddening thoughts away, aswell as the hole in my chest. I needed to concentraite on the task at hand, making it believable when someone asked how I was doing. I looked myself dead in the eyes & rehearsed my line "I'm doing much better, really, thank you." After the 100th it actually started to sound true. Satisfied enough with my rehearsal, I then made myself smile & attempt to be happy while I started getting ready for school.

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Siggy was literally bouncing with glee as I met up with her at her car. A cute little 2013 honda civic, not quite my style but it suited her perfectly. Her soft playfull features, strawberry blonde hair, cut into a medium length bob, 1960s styled wardrobe, perfect hourglass figure & bubbly personality. She was the type of person you either wanted to spend every second with or punch her in the fucking face. For me atleast I'm a very black or white peraon, no gray area. "LYD-I-FUCKING-AAAA" she screamed although it came out as more of a squeak, "SIGGGGGY" I replied sarcastically. She greets me like this every day, aswell as when she calls or texts, I don't get it. "Oh my God, I fucking- lyds, you will not believe- ahhhh" she said bright eyed & jumping around as if a frog had possesed her body. "Siggy nine times outta ten when you end your sentence with "ahhhh," the fucking reason isn't excatly "ahhhh" worthy" I raised a doubtfull eyebrow at her, "Well then I've only got one thing to say to you miss bitchy bitch!" "And what's that?" I chuckled. "Go fuck yourself! Sideways, upside down, backwards, doesn't matter! Just get fucked!" Trying & failing to keep a straight face we both almost collasped with laughter, using eachother to hold oursleves up as we walked to class. I looked at Siggy & felt true happiness, I loved my bestfriend. She could bring the brightest of lights into the darkest of places, which is why she was so dear to my heart. I would loose all hope if I lost her too..... Stop Lydia. Stop. Stop. Stop. Your fine. Your fine. YOU ARE FUCKING FINE. RELAX. YOU WEAK LITTLE BITCH. NO ONE CARES ANYMORE. CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. My bitchy little sub-concious sneered at me. Willing her to go away, I focused on the smile & happy act I practiced this morning. Making it as conviencing as I could when someone asked how I was doing & in my opinon, I was doing one hell of a job.

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Finally the long awaited bell releasing us for the summer rang through my ears. Making me smile a genuiene smile, which made me feel like a normal teenager for once. I gathered up my things, skipped down the hall & smashed painfully in to a huge, solid wall of muscle. Whoever I ran into had to have been running because I was easily knocked back 3ft. & right on my fucking ass. Which hurt more then my nose, surprisingly. I barely had time to process what the fuck just happened when I was lifted up & put back on my feet. I froze as soon as I saw caring green eyes staring back into my empty blue orbs. Not just any caring green eyes but THE caring green eyes, the ones that belonged to Tom Stactlar's. "Lydia are you okay?! I rounded the corner, & I-I didn't have time to move or anything! I'm so sorry, are you hurt?" I stared breathlessly & silently at his absoulte gorgeous, greek sex God apperience. Wavy Caramel hair with a slight tan to his skin, 200 lb of pure muscle, the whole James Dean bad boy image, tattoos & those loving Green eyes. "Lydia?" HEY FUCK FACE PRETTY BOY IS TALKING TO YOU! To say my sub-concious wasn't a complete cunt would be an understatement. "Yeah! Sorry! Just needed a quick second process what happened" I laughed shyly "It wasn't your fault I wasn't paying much attention anyways, eager to get out of here with summer & all." "Trust me I know exaaactly how you feel" grinning a perfect toothed smile at me which I happily returned. "Speaking of being eager to leave, where are you headed too?" he asked, "Just home, then to Siggy's most-" "There's a party tonight!" He burst out "Sorry that was totally rude! I just have to run & wanted to ask" looking down at his feet sheepishly. I SWEAR IF YOU DONT GO YOU ARE A PATHETIC BITCH LYDIA. YOU WILL NEVER & I DO MEAN NEVER LIVE IT DOWN. Fuck does she ever shut up, ignoring my rude sub-concious "When & where?" I ask warmly, " Shadow park at 9:00?" He says extremly hesitantly. I know why, shadow park only became horror free zone 2 years ago when we ran out of places to party. No one would go there because that's where they found the last murdered victim of the shadow killer. Noticing I had drifted into my thoughts Tom finally spoke up "I understand if you don't wanna go, if you have plans or whatever" he smiled a nervous smile. "NO!, I-I-I mean, yeah I'll be there, with Siggy! Seen you later!" I said hastly, cursing myself for being so eager & trying to ignore my snickering concious. "See you!" Tom brightly called after me. I was practically running to my car, excitment overwhelming me. I needed to get home, grab some clothes, makeup & make a beamline to Siggy's so I wouldn't be alone in my giddyness. I finally spotted my 2012 white BMW, my moms old car. As I slunked inside my heart froze, my blood ran ice cold & my lungs would no longer work. I remebered why Shadow Park held so much dread for me in particular & why I was never invited to parties that were held there. The last time I was at shadow park was 4 years ago. When I discovered the brutilized murder victim of the Shadow Killer. The night I looked looked into the cold, pain filled dead eyes of my mother.