"kak moya" - You belong to her and she feels "Like mine".

The confession

"I love you", the cards turning moment in your love story when you go all in, engulfed in the terror of what will be happening next, I finally said these words for the third time in my life to someone though ironically first time face to face, as always I wanted it to be.
We sat in gallery of our classroom, three chairs were there in the gallery, the class was dismissed and the environment was filled with the choas of students buzzing with their shit stuff but amidst that, in that two joined chairs between her face and mine, the atmosphere stopped, like for sometime the watch didn't do tick tock..tick tock...as soon as I said these three words to her, her world also stopped and she kept staring into my eyes....like she was scanning my soul if it's true or not...I don't know what my eyes told her that day but she didn't say No....
In the card game there is a chance of winning, however small it is, but I went all in with whatever I had with a presdestined fate of my love...that it will be an end for it...
But since last two times I had learnt this, it's better to let go than keeping it for long unsaid, the later one is more painful...I don't know why love always brings pain to me and Idk why I still believe in it..I guess that's what makes me different, itna dheet hun mein no matter how much you break me, my hope is something that is till now....khair back to the story
She couldn't answer it nor she replied anything she was confused after scanning my eyes and words...
It rained alot then and we sat beside tea stall waiting for rain to stop and so we can go back to the practicals we were having.
Her faced was numb and her eyes were having a storme in the ocean waali feeling ...
She gathered herself and tried to explain that we are not meant to be and I can't keep you...
Yet she didn't leave me there and went away...and she sat with me all the time... until the clg ended and we decided to sit at cp and idk how...this a very special thing btw us( or maybe again special only for me as it is not new or special for her, as always) that despite of this all burning choas, we for sometime forgot everything and decided to have a special coffee at one of the cafes she went with her special ones only, and there we enjoyed n sipped coffee like nothing happened
That's the special thing which would seem crazy to you but we can start laughing and take a break and be normal amidst a fight and then start again later...
She laughed and tried new coffee there and I captured her, made a video of her...and then smoked the ciggerates we liked as usual and laughed n were happy with each other.
But we both aren't crazy, we both knew that from next day or very next moment maybe we have to part ways, so it was like spending our last time together happily...
The cp was blooming that day, wet clean roads, fresh after rain misty air, and everything from the cafes wall to the leaves were brightly shining in their naturals colors...
Like God created a great stage for my story ending...
And then unfortunately it became dark, all of sudden that clock started ticking faster, all those "kaash waqt idhar hi ruk jaaye" waale moments were crashing down and we sat nearby the metro station trying to part ways...
Now I feel this all special in btw thing was my pov, she was just taking time to finally say it to me,
"Listen anish, don't think that I will leave everything n come to you and this confusion, About which I m not certain about, can't be reason to keep you with me with a false hope, that maybe one day....
So we won't stay together from now on...take care"
.
I just realised while writing this, it was in 2022 and in Jan '24, I am still crying right now while even just thinking about it.
She is happy now and forgets me often but what should I do, even my brain is getting detached but my heart started beating fast last time I realised that I might see her at the same centre.
He doesn't forgets that stimulus, that scent, that rhythmicity....
.
But in the end I wish she stays happy and never sees me like this, bcoz of the obvious two reasons....