" Optimus... what is happening with you?... "
TW: Panic Attack
It was all a blur for him, he wasn't even sure where he was going. He knew he had to get away far enough before his anger spilled over. One of the most frustrating parts about being a prime was keeping your emotions at bay. You were expected to be stoic and emotionless to keep your feelings from impeding your ability to lead. It was stupid, he knows this and most other bots know this but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. The anger and frustration was building inside him.
He managed to make it to the other side of the silo before he couldn't take it anymore. All his rage, his anger, his EMOTIONS...escaped. He could feel the tears welling up, the stress was getting to him, he knew this but there was little he could do to stop them from spilling over. He barely masked an angry yell as he threw his fist into the silo wall. He held himself back enough that the damage wouldn't raise suspicion but it was barely enough for his anger as he punched it again. He realized the back of his servos were scraped as they dripped slightly with leaking energon but he couldn't bring himself to care. He vented heavily as he glared at the offending wall.
Optimus trudged back to his room as silently as possible for being a giant robot and locked the door. He slowly lowered himself to the ground and sat with his knees brought up and arms holding them tightly as he took a heavy shuddered vent. He thought about Arcee, her angry yet surprised look when he snapped at her. Ratchet and ... oh Primus he forgot that the kids were here today...they watched him snap at Arcee. Panic began to set in as he recalled the faces of his friends.
All of a sudden his thoughts were racing and he couldn't stop them. " O-oh Primus, what have I done?..." ' What if this is all my life will ever be? What if I am stuck living like this until I die? What if-'. He thought about his friends and the endless battles they fought, the resources they could barely gather, and the friends they lost TRYING to gather those resources. Oh, Primus... all the bots who lost their lives following him, he thought about when he traveled down to the core, the cold arms of Primus, the bloodshed, the fighting, the explosions, the screams, they called out to him and hejuststoodthereandwatchedthemdieforhimohgodwhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhwywhy-
*GASP* he took a sharp inhale as his spark caught up with his helm. He shuddered a shallow vent as the tears slowly one by one flowed down his faceplate until he couldn't even see anymore. He held his servos over his mouth as he sobbed. He closed his optics tight but it didn't stop the tears from flowing. He sat there, crying and letting the stress out for the first time in a long time. His shoulders shook with every inhale, his arms and legs trembling as his body shook with more sobs.
"... I-I can't take this anymore, I didn't WANT this! All I wanted was to help people! To work in the Hall of Records and use that knowledge to help OUR people! I didn't ask to be made Prime! I didn't ask to start a war! Why was I chosen for this? I don't want to fragging do this anymore! " he screamed out against his sobs. His voice choking on his own words. "...I just wanted...I just wanted to help...".
He vented softly before opening his optics and staring at his servos. He hated how they didn't look like his. He hates this body, he hates his voice. "...I...I just want to be me again ". Optimus let his legs unfold and settle against the cold concrete and he wiped his servos against his faceplate to get rid of the tears. A few stray tears escaped anyway and he could feel them building up again. He stared numbly at the wall across from him, his chassis hurting from the earlier panic attack but his head was quiet now. He just sat and didn't feel a thing as he stared at nothing.
...
...
...
A memory popped into his helm. Him fighting against Unicron with his oldest/ex-friend, him using the Matrix against Unicron...and...waking up in the cavern not remembering what had happened prior... That's right, he realized as he sat up. Ratchet had explained to him what had happened when the Matrix had lost power, he lost his memories...and.........He returned to his old self...
He wished it would have lasted longer and he was surprised that Megatron had wanted him back but it still hurt that it was only for information that only He had. What Optimus couldn't figure out was why was he thinking about that time. Why? ...
...
...
Then... he had a thought...
Something had clicked inside his helm as he quickly stood up. The Matrix losing power had meant that he had returned to his old state of mind but...if the Matrix was taken out completely..
His optics widened with realization. He slowly hovered a servo over his chassis, just above where the Matrix of Leadership lay in his spark chamber. Could he? Would removing the Matrix entirely return him to his old body?
...
Could he be himself again?...
YOU ARE READING
Freedom At What Cost?
Fanfic"I have...grown very, very tired old friend. This war has taken its toll on me as well as every bot involved." 'I was not given a choice...I had to take on the burden of responsibility for millions of lives and the destruction of our planet. I...I n...
