Neurodivergent

Introducing Me~

In a small town in Northern Michigan, I, Ava, entered the world, born to my parents Laura and Brian at the town's sole hospital. I arrived two weeks ahead of schedule, underweight, and for some reason, I didn't breathe or cry immediately. My mother would often recount the story, sharing how the nurses tried to coax tears from my eyes by tickling my feet. Looking back now, I wonder if it was more like them gently tapping the soles of my feet to awaken me.

My parents were informed that my mother needed to be induced because I was so small; something wasn't right. When I was born, the doctors realized my cord was extremely short, and the doctor had to cut it with care. My parents had a video of the beginning of my mother's labor, but they were forced to turn off the camera due to complications with my birth. I can still feel my mother's anxiety when she tells the story, and it seems like she leaves things out as if she doesn't want to remember them.

My mom says I got jaundice pretty bad as well, and she affectionately calls me her glow-worm baby. All things considered, though, she thought I turned out alright. However, sometimes I wonder if that's completely true. No one seems to really know what causes things like Autism and ADHD, and it leaves me wondering if something about how I was crafted set me up to be as I am, similar to how people with Down Syndrome are just born that way.

My parents raised me like everyone else, but... there were many things about me that set me apart. Ditsy and quirky were terms my parents had used to describe me often. Though those were the nicer terms... when I angered them with meltdowns and embarrassing behavior, they referred to me as a monster and heathen. They saw me as a horrible child who left them with no choice but to lose their temper. In their eyes, I deserved the things they said and did in retaliation to my behavior because I was a "bad kid." Or so they would say to me.

I was very smart and I talked a lot, but I didn't present like some people do, and that made them think I was fine. I was just ill-behaved, ditsy, and quirky, or socially awkward, in their eyes. Girls don't always present the same way as boys, and many of the studies on autism during my childhood were based on boys and the more severe cases. Girls often mask their struggles and try harder to fit in. I remember trying so hard... I remember the pain and the rejection that happened again and again as I grew up. I was bullied and isolated, with only a few people I considered friends.

Elementary school was hard on me, and the kids were often mean. I just couldn't connect, no matter how hard I tried. It felt like trying to solve a complex math problem. Additionally, I struggled with learning disabilities, and I didn't start reading until second grade with the help of special education classes. In those special education classes, I found friends, and my life got a little bit easier, but I was far from overcoming my social inadequacies, which continued to cause problems even with my closest friends. I hurt people, and I never intended to, but I was often blunt and clumsy when expressing myself. I experienced cycles of inclusion and isolation within my friend groups due to my poor social capabilities.

My parents didn't know what to say when I'd come crying to them, looking for answers as to how I could better navigate the delicate waters of social situations. My mother once shrugged and told me that I was just ditsy and socially awkward. I would cry and beat myself up for not being able to navigate socially like other kids my age. I could talk, I was smart, and I was kind, always with the best intentions. When I finally received some extra help in second grade, I took off in reading and ended up levels above my peers. Math remained a struggle until junior high school. My parents didn't think anything was wrong with me, and they assumed that my ADHD, which presented differently, couldn't be the cause.