Marked By Shadows

Chapter 20

Mike stared up at the ceiling; he still could not believe he was doing this, tagging along with some rogue band whose only weapon to fight the government was folding chairs. Why am I doing this? He kept asking himself again and again. If he were caught and charged as a traitor, he knew the consequences would be severe. He knew that he would bleed and die a martyr for a cause he did not even know if he believed in. It all felt unreal like this was not his life he was simply in the body of another guy, a guy whose life he was willing to take a chance on. He could write the league off as a conspiracy theorist and go back to the government and live a wonderful life. But would it be living?

In Mike's whole life he had never taken a chance on what he wanted, he just took the next logical step. He joined the PHASE ranks the day after high school to get away from home. He did not know if he believed in the government. That did not matter, but he knew he could not stay at home and he was too stupid for college. He hated that the league called them "the government"; they were more than that they had seeped into every aspect of life and culture of society. There were no statues except that of government heroes, and the lullabies that lulled him to sleep, which had praised the government. He did not know where the PHASE came from, they talked like they had always been.

He thought about all the gossip on TV and the gossip in the papers, there was no "news" as David called it but David was a radical. Mike came to a choice where he would kill Aspen and go back before he dug his grave any deeper. He did not want to but he would, he had blood on his hands already he might as well add Aspen's. He slowly got up, careful not to wake David and Zeke who shared the small room, and got dressed, grabbed his backpack, and kept his boots off so he could walk quieter.

He grabbed the small Bowie knife from his bag. His gun would make too much noise and strangling her would create too much commotion. He crept down the hall and slipped into Aspen's room where she slept. He watched her as the moon was full and its soft radiance washed her face as she slept, cleansing her of her worries.

He did not remember much from his past, he tried hard not to remember much, he lived for the logic of the moment yet he remembered Aspen. Always so pathetically trying to be someone she was not. Trying to stand in armor even though she did not fit in it. Trying to be fierce though she was a sorry actress at the part. Mike saw through her act. He always had seen past it. She was like a tiny hummingbird trying to be a powerful hawk.

He had spent so much time hating her- hating the world. She had caused him pain just like everyone else who had even crossed his path. He held so much against her, things he could not help, and worst of all he held his guilt against her. She was just like Jake after all and he despised that. Mike spent so much time and energy taking care of her that it robbed him of the hope he had for tomorrow. But was that her fault? He thought of all the anger he felt toward her. Anger she had nothing to cause yet there it ate like cancer at his soul. He lifted the knife and brought it down imagining her screams and shouts but could not bring the blade to touch her. He strode over and thought. He thought about things he had fought not to think about. He hated how soft he felt right now. He hated himself, but he could not remember a time he liked himself, either.

All this time he had been dying. He had been stabbing himself trying to undo who he was always terrified to be. He did not know who he was terrified to be, but you can be scared of the monsters in the closet without ever seeing the monsters- all you have to do is see the darkness. He went out of her room, closing the door quietly and he ran outside. It was snowing and a soft powder caked the ground. What is there not to like about snow? It shows that even freezing can be beautiful. It shows even water changed to fit its needs. It showed that you can be hard like ice and soft like snowflakes all at the same time. He tilted his head back and stuck his tongue out to eat the snow. He knew it was juvenile and stupid, but he felt stupid and he felt like the child on the playground wanting to go down the big slide but was too scared. He opened his arms to let its cool delicateness consume him.