Hurtful

Eldest daughters misery

The eldest daughter.
The secondary parent.
The first line of defence when things go wrong.
Responsible for keeping the family together. Responsible for keeping the home in one piece. Don't let the screams of your parents arguing tear down the walls of the house. Don't let your younger siblings feel the consequences. Keep them away, don't let them see the repercussions.
Carry it on your back instead.
Carry the weight of the world on your back that was only built wide enough to carry your personal problems. Somehow, with every load that is added, you manage it, but you're oh, so close to collapsing. Those shoulders are bruised and scarred, with every mark signifying a different trauma. The pain is greater than anything you've ever felt, and worst of all, no one hears your cries.
Your cries are silent. Your story goes unheard. Pillows drenched with tears until you have no more left to cry. Raised voices bring an innate fear of the worst. But you keep it together because you love your family. Your mum needs your help. Your siblings don't deserve this. They deserve better.
But they all forget, so do you.
Being the eldest daughter is a silent burden, it's such a lonely feeling. The responsibility you are confronted with changes your story. You almost miss out on your life because you have other issues to deal with, you have a family to protect.
You grew up beyond your years, at such a young age. Always the mature, sensible friend. Can't afford to be reckless, there's too much riding on your competency. This instinctive maternal nature is embedded so deep within you. You didn't ask for this, you don't want this stress, but you know that your mother's tears are more than enough to fill a river. You've witnessed her struggles, and you want to ease her pain. She didn't deserve this, she deserves better. You've inherited her sorrow. It's a generational trauma, and you are another victim.
When you're the eldest daughter, people forget that you're a child. No exceptions are made for you. Just deal with it. You have to do it, because who else will? How could you be so selfish to refuse to pay a bill, from a minimum wage part-time job where you'll only have about £10 left to stretch for the next two weeks at 17 years old? How dare you feel any type of frustration? Do you know what your mother goes through?

But what about me?
They always neglect your struggles. They forget your studies, your job, your social life, a life full of adventures that you miss out on to fulfil your eldest daughter duties.
You're underwater, sinking. You feel like you're falling, but you always have to catch yourself. You can never be upset about anything for too long. You can never catch a break. You're pressured everywhere you go. Work, university, home. This never-ending series of emotional turmoil. Soon you'll crack. But when you do, they'll wonder why?
They'll never know why.
You are the foundation of the home. You are everyone's rock. This role translates into your social life with your friends. You're so used to being depended on for emotional support, that you never let the happy face drop in public. You're everyone's light whilst you're being plummeted into darkness. You're the 'strong' friend.
I hate being described as 'strong'. I'm only 'strong' because I deal with things I shouldn't have to, and I have to come out of the other end alive. It's so emotionally taxing to maintain your duty as the 'strong' friend. Being the eldest daughter becomes your temperament, you can't stop. You're the eldest daughter everywhere you go.
This story goes unheard, because no one cares enough to listen.