The lost continent

Chapter 21

Kirishima doesn’t know what happened to Monoma. He can’t even come up with an inkling of a memory. He feels a little bad, now that his head is clearer...but in the moment he left, he feels he was blinded. There was nothing but an overflow of emotion that both heightened and dulled his senses, leaving him in a strange, tumultuously  liminal state. He walked until the sun set and the air chilled, and he figured he should find a place to lay for the night.

So he’s here now, in a truly awful looking pub, occupied with sad sailors and sad bankers and merchants and the like. There isn’t even music playing, but there’s an inn upstairs and Kirishima has a coin purse full of earnings from being a part of Bakugou’s crew, so he’ll take the dismal atmosphere for what it is.

He sloshes around the beer at the bottom of  his mug, and ignores everyone as much as they ignore him. What the everliving hell was he supposed to do now? He sighs and throws his change on the counter, heading up to sleep until he can’t sleep anymore.

Of course, sleep isn’t what comes. Instead, tears do, fat and rolling down his cheeks, the salty taste in his mouth nothing compared to a good spray of sea. He smashes his face into the pillow and runs over everything in his mind- he wishes he pushed harder. He wishes he had yelled more, had maybe grabbed hold of Bakugou and shouted for him to explain… But the lure of choosing to leave, and showing Bakugou that he was indeed capable of making such a choice, overtook his will. He knows he didn’t deserve Bakugou’s strange, cruel treatment, but he also knows he’d have him again in a heartbeat, if he asked. Maybe not without gritted teeth and a mouth full of anger, and more than a few choice words, but...he’d have him.

Kirishima presses the palms of his hands into his eyes until he sees stars. He thought he was strong. He thought he was brave. But who was he now, without the crew? Before, he was a noble, and not a very good one. Then he was a pirate, and not so great at that either, but he supposes he’s really stuck somewhere in between, and hasn’t a clue what to do about heartbreak… Thinking isn’t getting him anywhere.

H e sighs again, out of frustration. He can’t make sense of it, and he’s sure if he thinks about it too much he’ll just fabricate reasons for things that mightn’t exist, and then he’ll really be in some delusional swing of emotion. So instead, he decides close his eyes, and let it hurt.

It hurts in the morning. His eyes are swollen and they sting, and he’s dehydrated from both sobbing and the alcohol he had the night before.

Maybe he hates him.

It hurts in the afternoon, when he makes his way to the dock, reluctantly, to find some deckwork to do to keep him busy, and to keep his pockets full while he figures out his next moves. Should he return home? He’s different now. He’s stronger. Less naive. He’s loved someone. He’s killed someone.

He definitely hates him.

It hurts at night, when he lies down again. It’s a different pub. It’s a different bed. It’s the same ache of resentment, but god . He loves him.

Was that possible? Kirishima loves him so much it hurts, and he feels such bitterness towards him it makes him want to scream. He’s embarrassed and ashamed, for being toyed with so easily, both body and heart. He was so guileless. But he’s not stupid. And a day of work has cleared his head a little more. There’s no way Bakugou could fake the bits and pieces of his soul he bared to Kirishima alone. There’s no way he could fake such a tender gaze, no matter how much he tried to hide it. But to obviously feel something, and then make Kirishima hurt like this on purpose… to, despite his feelings, ruin it… Kirishima grits his teeth. Why? Was he really so horrible? Maybe it’s lovesickness, but Kirishima can’t quite believe it. There had to be something else.

Kirishima hopes at least he’s feeling regretful. He hopes, dolorously, that the Captain is suffering from his impulsive behaviour. The only comfort he can hope for was that he isn’t alone in his heartache.

It hurts in the morning.