Admissions

Chapter 10

The ever-present whir of the heaters kept the silent Brit company. Simon sat on a weight bench in the gym, alone with nothing but his thoughts in the twilight's quiet stillness. Sunrise wasn't for another few hours and only a small handful of people around base would be awake at this hour. Perimeter wall guards mostly.

He'd woken up quite early, even by military standards, and slipped out of bed once he detangled himself from the warm clutches of his little one, leaving Sereza to continue sleeping. While he'd slept fine last night, his mind wouldn't fucking shut up about what might potentially happen later today.

Last night he'd told Sereza he'd found his bandana.

Consequently, his anxieties and insecurities were all in overdrive. Even if she had agreed – or rather, offered – to allow him to blindfold her so he felt more at ease, Simon still felt off. Considering what he would be doing to her – or might end up doing, since he wasn't particularly confident that he'd be able to actually go through with it – it would terrify him if the roles were reversed and he was the one unable to see. What if he scared her? What if she was secretly feeling apprehensive about being blindfolded but was forcing herself to go through with it because of him? God that would kill him.

And also...

Even if she wasn't able to see him, she would still be able to feel his scarred skin.

What if it repulsed her? His physique was impressive, he knew. Fucking ought to be after the innumerable hours he spent in the gym burning through nightmare-fueled adrenaline rushes. But his body was covered in evidence of things best left forgotten. And he fucking hated it. Every fucking time he saw a glimpse of his skin or his reflection the urge to carve those reminders out himself was overpowering.

The worst ones were under his shirt. So far Sereza hadn't seen or touched them, but she would when Simon made love to her; or feel them if she were blindfolded. How would she react?

But on the flip side... if Ghost didn't take her...

What if she grew tired of waiting for him to be ready? He was pushing himself already as it was, and though he'd done more with her than he had with anyone else in what felt like an eternity... what if it wasn't enough? She had been nothing but patient, understanding, and helpful. Always ensuring he felt safe and in control, but what if she decided he was too much trouble? Simon could certainly see that being a possibility. He was well aware he wasn't an easy partner to have, not by any means. Or what if she grew tired of waiting on him and she moved on with someone else? Someone less complicated? All because he took too long to fuck her?

Ghost immediately felt horrible for thinking of his girlfriend that way. Complete and utter shit. The one good thing that had happened in his rotten fucking life and this is what he was thinking about her? Bloody hell he was an arse.

Perhaps he should just force himself. Maybe once it was over his mind would decide it wasn't so bad. An involuntary shiver made him wince. Simon was not at all sure he could do that. Plus, if he didn't already feel like shit for thinking of Sereza the way he had, he definitely would if her first time ended up being a disaster or something he rushed through. Damn him and his issues.

Oh shit.

That's right... it would be her first time with a man. Ghost would hurt her when...