He's A Girl Now?! (TD Transfem Duncan AU) (ON HOLD 1/14/24)

One - Not Another

Sabrina sighed and turned off her alarm, yawning as she ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. She really didn't feel like straightening it just for a shift at the cafe, but she's already awake and early, so why not? She liked her hair better straightened anyway. It's just a hassle when it's naturally all frizzy (and also really messed up from being bleached so many times. And constantly looking a little off because she's used to being in a mohawk from when she was a seventeen year old "boy". God, don't remind her.)

It's not like she wanted to remember her time on Total Drama. She'd tried to distance herself from it completely, and since she changed her name when she transitioned it wasn't hard as long as she laid low. Nobody knew where she was. Nobody even knew she used to be Duncan. But now there was a deadline creeping up on her: Chris was getting out of jail in two weeks. And she had no idea what she would do if he somehow tracked her down, found out she was trans and put her on another season just to be misgendered and mocked. And she'd have to face both of her exes. Oh, god. Courtney and Gwen terrified her. She still felt awful about what happened with both of them.

But that wasn't her anymore. She was an adult, a woman, a junior and soon-to-be senior of one of the most prestigious colleges in Canada, and a future PI. She couldn't let her past distract her. Not now. Not another summer on Total Drama whatever the hell Chris comes up with this time. Please, god, not another season...

Sabrina stared at herself in her bathroom mirror, and all she saw was The Delinquent.

But that wasn't her anymore. She was an adult, a woman...

And she was a woman. She was a twenty one year old woman. She could drink, for gods sake. Legally, she was F. Physically, she'd started HRT almost a year ago. Aesthetically, she passed (and people even thought she was cute and feminine). Mentally, she knew with every cell of her body that she was a girl. She always had been. But then there was this lingering, guilty anxiety. What if she was doing it because she was lost in her life? She certainly was pretty lost when she first realized she wasn't a guy. What if she ended up like those detransitioners crying about their lives being ruined in ads for conservative movies? What if she was wrecking herself beyond repair? What if ten years from now, her future self would hate her for what she did to his body?

She splashed some water on her face. It was too cold and instead of refreshing it was just plain jarring.

What if? What if?

This world has a plaguing question, one that festers in the mind of every soul: What if? What if?

***

After she'd gotten her hair straightened and ready for work, debated wearing her pride pins over her uniform, chickened out like every other day, and spent way too long trying to find her keys, Sabrina started on her way to work. The air freshener in her car dangled above her. Her rearview mirror distorted her face, but it didn't look any weirder than a normal mirror. At least for a trans person.

It was only a ten-minute drive, so when she got there she was a little early. Her coworker Dana greeted her behind the counter, taking a sip from a macchiato that workers could get free. Only macchiatos for some reason.

"Sabrina!" She chirped with a wave. Sabrina waved back, exhausted for no apparent reason. 

"Hey Dana. Shit, I'm tired..." She groaned.

"No cursing. Positive workspace."

 For every time Sabrina blinks, she swears twice. It's a problem.

"Sorry, sorry." 

"Girl, it's fine. Get yourself a macchiato." 

She liked that Dana called her girl. Nobody in Sabrina's life knew she was trans. Her parents cut ties when they found out she was transitioning, and she had no siblings, so family wasn't an issue.

"Is Guy showing up or not?" Sabrina wondered. Guy was another coworker of hers, and yes, his name was Guy. He'd texted in the java flops groupchat (because the cafe was called the Crowsman Java Shop) that he might not be at work that day, but never mentioned why.

"Nah," Dana shook her head, making her curly brown hair bounce. "He's sick."

Sabrina expected it. Guy was older, in his forties, even, and he was always getting sick. Most of the people who worked at the Crowmans Java Shop were high-school or college-aged. Dana was seventeen, the youngest there. They started opening for the day. Sabrina wiped down tables and door handles. Dana emptied trash bins.

"Hey, Chris McLean is getting out of jail in like, a week. D'you think there's gonna be another season?" Dana asked, loudly so she knew Sabrina heard her from across the room. 

She tensed. 

"Two weeks," She corrected. "And probably." Sabrina hoped desperately that it wasn't the truth. Not another. Dear god, never again.

"If you want a hot take, I hate Chris."

"That's like..." Sabrina thought for a second. "Lukewarm. At hottest. But still true."