Lucian for life

Chapter 13

Lucy's pov

Where was I? Although my eyes were closed, I saw a white light. 'I'm in heaven' I thought. And then everything that happened came back into my mind.

I was fighting with Ian. Ian. Just thinking his name gave me heartache. Is he ok? Where is he? I didn't remember what we were fighting about. It was probably something really stupid.
Then I drove to my apartment. The tears made my vision blurry. I haven't seen the other car until it crashed into me.

I remember that I felt a sharp pain. 'As long as I feel pain I can't be dead' I thought to myself.

I saw Ian's face in front of my eyes. I knew that I had to fight through this pain. For him. I needed him so bad. I wanted him to hold me and that he tells me that everything's gonna be okay. That he is going to stay with me. I wanted to kiss him and never let go of him.

But then I remembered that I just had an accident. When I started to become unconscious, I tried to fight against this feeling. I tried not to imagine how it would be without the pain. Without this battle I was in.

But I knew that if I close my eyes now, I might never wake up again. I would leave the love of my life behind. I would hurt him.

'Ian would be better without me. He will find someone new. Someone he doesn't need to fix. Someone who is normal' I thought.

I couldn't fight anymore. I let go. I became unconscious.
'Finally the battle is over. Death wins and life loses' I thought 'it's beautiful, isn't it.'

"Stay awake, Lucy! Stay awake, please! For God's sake stay awake!" my inner voice yelled.
"Don't you dare to go into the light! Don't you dare leaving Ian and all of your friends behind! Are you really that selfish? Fight, Lucy. Fight. You can win this battle! You didn't go through all of that to just die like that!"

But I was too weak. I was too weak to do anything. I was sure that I stopped breathing. Breathing hurt like hell. Like there is something wrong with my lungs or something. But that pain is nothing compared to the one in my back.

'Can't these feelings go away? Why am I not able to die? Why do I always need to fight? Why can't I just give up this one time? In a few months everyone will forget I was here. No one will care anymore. All of this could be over if I just let go now.'

Before I could give up, I saw Ian. I saw him crying. I saw him going to my funeral. I saw him totally lost. I can't do this to him. I can't hurt him like I always do.

Like I always hurt the ones around me.
Like I always disappoint people.
Like I always push everyone away, who is just trying to help me.
Like I always build a wall around me to keep everyone out.

For once I need to be the brave one. For once I need to be a warrior.
For once I need to be the hero.
For once I need to stay alive. I mean really alive. Not the way I was until now. I mean not to see every day as a battle I can't win.
I mean simply appreciate how amazing it is that I am still alive. That I am not dead.
I wanted to live.

I remembered the list that Ian and I made with all of the things that we wanna do together.
Thinking about him and our future gave me enough strength to stay.

I am going to win this battle!

Ian's pov

Lucy has been unconscious for four weeks now and the doctors started to worry.
Lucy can't be dead. If she dies I am dying with her. I couldn't live in a world without her.
Without her beautiful hazel eyes, without her beautiful smile.

But I knew that she was fighting with herself about waking up. And I knew that maybe she didn't want to come back.

The doctors told me and the cast that if she doesn't wake up in a week, they can't do anything anymore. In a week they were going to let her go.

I sat on a chair next to her bed like I did the whole last month. I was shattered. I haven't done anything else than sitting here and crying.

The whole cast was looking after me. They were all worried about me and Lucy.
Doctor Smith explained to the others what happened to Luce and how she could or couldn't recover.
Everyone was shocked.

We all spent the first and the second night together at the hospital and hoped that she would wake up.
But she didn't.

Seeing her like this broke my heart into pieces. But at the same time she looked like she was finally at peace.

'Maybe Lucy doesn't want to wake up. Maybe she is happy in heaven' I thought to myself.

I held her hand and said "I love you so much. You can't even imagine how much I love you.
Without you my whole world is shattered.
You've wrecked it completely. Since I first saw you, I knew that I am hopelessly in love with you. I was just too scared to tell you.
The little time that we had as a couple was the best time in my entire life. I have never felt so happy with someone. You can bright every bad day. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
But if you want to leave this world for good, then go. I am not keeping you here if you don't want to stay.
All I want for you is that you find your peace and happiness.
And if you can't find it here on earth then go, Lucy, go. You can just let go, I won't stop you nor will I be mad at you. If the war is over then let go and know that I love you so, so much.
I will never forget you. I will always remember you. You are the love of my life. Let go" I said and kissed her forehead as tears streamed down my face.