Boys, Biscuits and Missing Bras.

New Town.

" That's the last of the damned boxes, mom." I grunted, throwing the stupid box of 'priceless antiques'. I don't think two fůcking Christmas tree stars and an old bottle with a miniature ship in it can be called priceless when I can walk into Walmart and buy the same thing. " Can I have my phone now? It's been three hours. I have a social life you know. "

" Keep talking to me like that and I'll get rid of that permanently. " I groaned at her  constant threats.

Like what the hell is up her ass? So what if I called the flight attendants fůcking useless scum. It's not my fault the dumb bitch doesn't know I'm allergic to peanuts. I personally blame the universe.

" What else do you want now , Oh dear Mother? " I gave the sweetest smile I could ever muster, and boy, does it hurt. I just don't know how some people can smile at everyone and everything.

Maybe it's cos I hate everything , except llamas, but still. How the hell do they smile without their faces breaking?

" Go and clear up the guest room, your brother is coming for a visit. " she turned around quickly and gave me a warning finger. " And don't go whining to David about how much you wish Mason would stay in San Francisco."

" But mom..." I began. " I hate Mason. He smells like Marlboro and he thinks Pussy Willows are a body part."

" No buts, butthead." she warned. " Now go!"

" Fine. "

Stupid Fucking Stepbrothers! He's not even here and he's ruining my life. Always bitching about everything.
" Oh the water's too cold! Piper, the remote doesn't work! Ah, Piper. My cereal is soggy, Piper. There's a possum in my bed! "

Okay, I kinda did the possum ( which was Fucking hilarious ) bit but other than that, he's a total Pain in the ass cheeks! Even my mom's mom hates his guts. Oh, bless you , Granny Dionne.

No, she's not dead. 

I hate the " step " part of my family, well except for David ( my stepfather ) , he's pretty cool. Last year, when we moved to Texas just for a while , he got me a dirt bike, just to annoy our neighbours, two nosey old people.

We moved around quite a bit. From Watford, to Bangkok, to Paris, To Texas and now to this dump , Cheshire Hills.

Honestly, I find the name of the town completely creepy. And the hills part is what makes me hate it more. It's so Fucking hard not to fall when you are walking up a damned slope. Which asinine fuckboys built a town on the hills? Like what the Fucking fuck?

I pushed the door open and walked straight in. " OH SWEET MOTHER OF STINKY CHEESE! THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING HUGE! MOM I WANT IT."

" STOP SCREAMING, PIPER!" Mom screamed back.

" I WOULD IF YOU LET ME HAVE THE DAMNED ROOM!" I complained. She knows it'll eventually be mine so why bother to fight the inevitable.

"LANGUAGE PIPER! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. IT'S YOUR BROTHER'S! " She always takes his side. Like, what the fuck ?

" FUCK MASON, I'M TAKING IT! IT'S ALL MINE AND THERE'S-"

" WOULD YOU ARSEHOLES STOP SCREAMING? SOME OF US SLEEP AT NINE IN THE MORNING." A grumpy voice cut me off. The voice was dripping with anger but who gives a fuck. I was having a lovely screamfest.

I walked to the windows and drew the curtains. " Hey, Ashley Olsen! You know what you can do?" I screamed at the blonde haired, naked mole rat looking boy on his balcony.

" What? " he replied.

" You can get your bitching attitude the fuck out of my family's conversations and get some work done on that rat face you have. " I snapped. He was completely gobsmacked by my outburst, which was exactly what I was hoping for. " Oh, and one more thing. Go put on some pants , I can see your vagina. Goodbye!"

He quickly turned around and dashed into the room, locking the doors behind him and drawing the dark curtains. " It was nice to meet you!" I called out and pulled my head back into the room.

Cackling, I ran back downstairs and picked my duffle bag off the floor along with my box of vinyls. What, don't judge me! In a couple years I'll sell them and I'll be richer than Donald Trump.

" We have to hurry up and get the house looking good. Imogen and Darlene are coming over and you know Imogen is quite the gossip. " David said, ruffling my brown locks in his humongous hand.

" Does Darlene have to come as well? Aunt Imo is enough but that snark bitch is just too much for even me!" I whined.

" Tell me about it." David said after looking around to check if my mom was around. " Once, Darlene told me to dye my hair cos when it's wet it looks like hamster poop. What the heck? "

" I heard that David Ross Franks." My mom hollered from the kitchen.

Darlene is my fourteen year old, inquisitive  cousin who is constantly on snapchat or nagging just as much. But I kinda like that, she ticks the hell out of my mom but the one thing I can't stand. She's a total motherfucking slob! After just three days of staying over,  her room looked like the inside of Patrick the star's bellybutton.

" Heard what? I didn't say anything. " He chuckled nervously as he entered the kitchen.

" Oh, old people love." I shuddered walking out. " it's so Fucking gross."

" WE HEARD THAT!"

I dashed up, not waiting for them to start raging about how being forty five isn't old. I still and forever would think it is. Except for when I'm there cos you can never look too old when you look this good.

Yes, I'm self centred. Sue me!

I set down my stuff and and pulled out my baby, Xavi. ( My phone.)

" 234 messages! Whoa. I didn't know I was that popular. " I opened my WhatsApp and began to view the text one by one.

"I'll miss you so much", Piper was what most of them were saying. What a bore! I scrolled even further and saw a message from Lemuel , my ex. ( I only really liked him cos his mother owned a bakery with brownies that tasted like angel shits and also cos he was hot, with a french accent. )

Baby, I'm sorry. I miss you. Please talk to me. - L.

Quickly, I replied.

Suck a truck wanker! You're officially blocked, Bitch. - P.

Ah! Self satisfaction! Damned asshole. I don't know what pleasure I get from It but so far I've blocked three hundred and seventy one people, and counting!

David comes up with into my new room . With my other baby, Glinda. ( my television. )

Don't look at me that way, I'm sure you used to try to get your toys to move after watching toy story.

I know I didn't. 

" Ready for a night of call of duty? " he smirked holding the play station dangerously underneath his armpits. He began to set them up.

" Ready to lose. Again?" I retorted, tying my hair up in a tight bun. " I'll go easy on you, maybe this time you wouldn't go against the main bitch."

" You're a bitch alright." He mumbled to himself, hoping I wouldn't catch that. Despite that remark, I just smiled , holding onto the controller like it was life support. He sat back on the floor with me, controller in hand. " Let the games begin."

>¤

HEY FROSTED FLAKES. I'm so glad you decided to read this story. I apologise for any mistakes. And yes. If you can't handle a whole wad of swear words. You should probably exit the premises.

Anyways , I would be trying my best to update as much and as quickly as possible . But don't give up on the story if I don't for a while, I have a final examination to write in two weeks and I definitely cannot fail that! My life is in chaos! :(

This chapter is dedicated to CapitalLetter and Mina_Love .
Adios my friends. And remember that Llamas rule.

- Kali Tesch.