This was an assignment in my writing class. Please do not judge me for this it's funny.
Somewhere in the world, in a city, in a house, in a living room, a person was sweeping the floor as their friend cooked dinner. It was their favorite meal, and the friend was not-so-subtly trying to set a romantic mood with candles on the table. But this isn't about them two.
A long sigh, inaudible to human ears, rang through the room. "I just got my hair replaced, why is he dirtying it up again?" the broom grumbled.
A golden retriever pranced in front of the broom, shedding clumps of hair as it went.
"Wait wait wait!" A voice screamed.
Broom looked down to see a clump of dog hair and dust fluttering away on the breeze created by Broom's movement. The clump flew under the coffee table right next to where Broom was then set until he was to be used again.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to do that," he said, feeling bad. "I couldn't stop though, you understand, right?"
The clump, voice surprisingly deep now that it wasn't shrieking, replied calmly. "It's ok, it wasn't your fault. Besides, I get to live here longer now, I don't want to be in that stinky garbage."
Broom laughed.
The hair clump chuckled too. "I'm Clump. I like your hair, the grey and green split dye thing is pretty cool."
"I'm Broom. And thanks, I just got it replaced yesterday." Broom blushed. "I like your dust."
Clump laughed.
The two of them sat there in a somewhat awkward silence there, looking at the twinkling Christmas lights decorating the tree. A pine smell filled the air and made the whole house more festive, mixed with the scent of freshly baked apple pie. Broom and Clump heard the clattering of forks and looked over to see the two humans eating dinner together, laughing. Broom and Clump chatted idly, talking about insignificant things, and like the humans, subtly flirting with each other, though awkwardly. It was a bit awkward hitting on someone so many times smaller than you. Eventually they settled into a comfortable silence, simply enjoying each other's presence.
Broom cleared his throat. "Listen, I know it hasn't been that long, but-"
Suddenly, the dog ran by, kicking up wind and sending Clump flying, sticking to the dog's foot as it bounded towards the two humans. It stopped suddenly, and Clump launched forward, drawn toward one of the human's socks by static electricity.
"Clump!" Broom shouted, wishing he could run over and save him. He had seen it happen countless times before, and he knew exactly how this was going to end.
Within minutes, the human stood and went to the kitchen to get more food. Broom could hear Clump's shouts and pleas, and it broke his heart.
Then, right in Broom's view, it happened. The human looked down, noticing Clump stuck to their sock. Almost in slow motion, Broom watched helplessly as the human walked towards the trash bin, picking up their foot and peeling Clump off their sock.
"Broom!" Clump screamed, it's deep voice becoming shrill.
The trash bin's lid opened, and Clump was tossed into it carelessly.
"Broom! I lo-" Before Broom could hear the rest of Clump's words, the trash bin's lid shut, sealing his fate.
"Clump!" Broom cried out. "Clump! No, no, no! Clump come back!"
It infuriated Broom to no end how little the humans cared about them. His frustration built, intensifying as the minutes went by. Broom had never met anything like Clump, and he doubted he would ever again. Summoning all of his rage and focus, Broom tried desperately to move, but to no avail.
Broom watched as the two humans sat on the couch close together, as they smiled happily. Then, once again, the dog walked by. Broom screeched at it, cursing and insulting it in very detailed and disturbing ways that cannot be listed. The dog looked up, staring right into Broom's inanimate soul. It growled, and Broom felt a shudder roll through it's solid and unmoving body.
Without any other warning, the dog bit Broom's neck, clearly ticked off at being called such things. Broom honestly didn't know the dog could understand him, but didn't have time to think about it. He screamed in agony as the dog's teeth pierced his wooden neck, splitting the wood. Broom was tossed about the floor, and the same human that threw Clump away began to lazily walk towards the dog and Broom, monotonically telling it to stop. It didn't.
The human's carelessness had shattered Broom's nonexistent heart already, and Broom frankly didn't care anymore. He couldn't stand this anymore.
Then, with a loud crack, Broom broke.
That's as far as I could take that. It's a little hard to write a romance between inanimate objects.
