The silence : suffering (ongoing)

Chapter 1

Awareness i never thought that word would impact me so much as a child , i dont how or when it happened , but it did. Nearing the end of elementary school i changed , from the sweet , loud and charismatic little girl that i was , i became silent , isolated and distant, mother always loved that girl , but she killed her , without realizing it she has made a monster and an even worse creature . The one she hates the most , despises the most. I still interacted with people as to not stir any stupid asumptions of me being shy or introverted , i held myself perfectly , but it wasnt often i'd engage in conversations , it made sense , they never shared my interests , and i'm not interested in their way of life.

Into my teenage years in highschool it were nonetheless the same , study , distance and work hard , i practiced this cycle for 3 years , until an unsuspecting thing happened , a boy i met online while i experimented in a secret gaming website about the world involving dnd , it was a simple indie game , pixels but the gameplay was easy to understand , i began playing it in my freetime since the genre of fantasy piqued my interests , i was more interested in its chemistry science , some were realistic and i liked it , but i knew my goal , i gave myself a time and schedule for studies and leisure , but when kidwithbrokenglasses6000 entered the multiplayer game , it changed me , he was a sort of charming , he was like me too , but incredibly smarter. I envied that. He was also funny and he shared the same interests for chemistry , robots and math , and for the first time , i was able to smile , i would go through all my classes with a slightly more cheerful demeanor waiting till i can get home , study and then go back to the game to talk with him.

2 years of knowing him and suddenly questions began to form in my head what does he look like? Is he secretly an adult trying to groom me? But that cant be it , he's too smart , and he sounds too sincere.

I decided to approach him in that subject head on and calmly as to not startle him , and he hesitated before saying "you wont like the way i'd look , i freak people out" those words confused me to an extent that it just added more questions to my head "how about we meet , i promise i wont freak out , i mean come on we're friends" i said being sincere , in all hoensty i suddenly felt interested. But it didnt work "i'd like to meet you too (username) but i'm in a strict household and not exactly allowed to go outside" he said.

I nodded in understanding "i get it , but what if maybe , we did meet in the future? As adults or something , wanna make a secret password?" i suggested randomly (i didnt think i'd be this corny making secret passwords , but it slipped out of my lips , and i couldn't take it back) , he was silent on the other line then i heard a small laugh , my heart felt light and i felt it flutter oddly enough "why not , it doesnt hurt to hope , but i'll bet you'd forget me and never meet me" i gave a soft laugh "you did say it doesnt hurt to hope" he laughed too "i did". Words were exchanged that night at as i fell asleep a faceless kid stood before me in my dreams , and my cheeks warmed just thinking of the hopeless possibilities of a maybe.

It was like that for another year till suddenly the game had gotten a virus and i was left alone again. I was left thinking what had happened to him , does he miss me too? I shook my head disgusted with myself. I cant believe i let myself go like this. I know my original goal , and i got back to focusing hard on my original goal , and finally got it , my highest grade , sure i was no.1 in school already but i reached my highest mark , 95% and over , but again that feeling of unsatisfaction came back , clawing its way underneath my skin , like a bloody parasite , whispering in my head leaving pounding headaches , i was still Empty and i knew it will never leave till it finally has me. My mind buzzed and thoughts swirled , and for the first time , even after receiving the best achievement of my entire pathetic fucking life , i broke down silently in my room , confiding with either my parents wasnt an option and will never be an option. My father though the soft spoken one is still and will always be a man , the patriarchy did a great job of putting men first , and my mother was no exception , coddling my little brother , he was the youngest nothing too surprising , and my mother only saw an enemy in me , telling me how i'm playing mind games with her , she's watched too much family betrayal movies and wants to create her own delusional world , its sad , although i do sympathize with her rough childhood , it doesnt give her any right to be as toxic as she is , both my parents are great actors , my mother cares too much and my father cares less , what a pair.

I guess god wanted to fuck with me harder  i thought , i've matured at such a young age i've been aware for too long , i need an escape , i need to leave this place. My parents are talking of marrying me off to someone rich , my father wont allow me to pursue any big ambitions or careers i would have , and my mother stupidly agreed , she just wants my kids so she could spoil them , she loves kids to control them , wants to mold them , thats why most of her friends hide their kids away from my mom , i've seen it. She thinks she's an amazing mother , just because i'm a genius , she never helped in either of those , and she dares claim the glory.

At 19 i had ran away from home leaving a note for the police of my town , i've also left all belongings bringing only my school essentials and clothes. I had contacted an old distant aunt that was cast out by my family for being a writer in New York if she was willing to help me , she accepted happily. And so i was gone , i had enough money from doing secret odd jobs outside school , my teachers helped me too , after calling my mom in for a conference meeting they saw immediately the alarms my mother raised towards me , glorifying herself on how she raised me , making lies of my behavior and making herself sound like the spectacle she think she was.

I got myself a one-way  plane ticket to New York and i breathed as i dropped all my past behind me. My parents would definitely be happier , my mother would turn my room into her makeshift studio for singing , she thinks she'll make it at that age and with that appearance. My father wouldn't have to worry about funding my education , and he'll only put all his attention on his beloved boy.

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