Things I think~

Things I'll Never Say

Today I realized that
this pain in my chest
at least recently
isn't just my lungs failing me
but also the heartache I feel
from losing you
the day
when your hand touched mine
for the last time
and you told me
you don't love me
anymore
This pain in my chest
Isn't just my lungs now
even though smoking these cigarettes doesn't help my cause
I can't help but taste you
on every hit I take
and the gum I chew afterwards
Reminds me of your smile
I trusted you
I let you in too easily
You didn't like me smoking and drinking
You didn't like me being sad all the time
You were hurt when I'd walk in the middle of the road
hoping to get hit
You didn't understand me at first
But once you saw who I really was
You stopped giving me cigarettes
You stopped insulting me so much
You stopped letting me walk
On the outside of the sidewalk
You held me close when a car drove by
You knew when I said "I'm fine"
that I was lying
But the worst part
of you knowing the real me
was when you stopped
Talking
To
Me
As
Much
As
You
Used
To
That broke my heart
Maybe you stopped because
I finally admitted it
I told you the truth and things got weird
Or maybe it just got awkward
Being around each other was different somehow
I don't blame you for leaving
I never did
I never will
I
Still
Love
You
Always have
Always will
That's why I won't quit
Smoking these cigarettes
And I'm sorry

It's just a loop of this or that
But you win either way
You have my heart on a leash and
You just keep tugging me along
Holding me close
but keeping your distance
Keeping me here with you
Not letting me leave
I won't say anything
I'm too afraid to lose you
I'm too afraid to let go
When you're not even mine
And I'm realising
That you never really were
I'm really slowly moving on
Or am I