Things I think~

The Girl In The Mirror

It's 1am and I heard a sigh.
Not realizing that it came from myself,
I got scared and turned around.
Only to see someone in the mirror
that I didn't recognise.
The girl in the mirror was
healthier looking,
like she actually got to sleep.
She looked..
Happy?
Could it be?
She looked..
Beautiful..
This girl in the mirror isn't me..
I'm so used to seeing
the girl in the mirror look
sad,
tired,
like death had a grip on her wrist
and wouldn't let go..
she looked genuinely happy..
But how?
Maybe she's someone else,
she couldn't possibly be me.
Wait,
can she?
What is this,
is this?
Is this what being happy feels like?
I'm so not used to this,
can I get used to this?
I don't feel empty anymore,
this is terrifying.
This.
This is absolutely terrifying.

Now it's 3am and I wake up
with a tear stained pillow
again
I want to be able to sit in silence
and not be scared
I want to be free from the chains
that keep me locked inside the cell
of my own mind
I want to be able to see "3am"
with clear eyes for once
I want to be happy
I want to be able to sit in silence
I want to stop shaking so badly
I want to be able to go out in public
I want to be able to make eye contact
I want to be able to love again
I want to stop being afraid
I want to live
I fucking want to live

It's 3 am and with tears in my eyes
I look in the mirror
I see the girl in the mirror
Not the one in my dream
The one with death holding her close
Like he doesn't want to let her go
I see her messy hair
The bags under her eyes
And her running mascara
I see her chapped lips
Her broken smile
I see her for how she is
Not for how I want her to be
I see her
And she sees me
I can't even make eye contact
With myself
How am I supposed to live
When I'm afraid of my own shadow
I have to listen to music
Before I fall asleep
Because if I am left
Alone
In the dark
in the Silence
There's no telling what I'll find
Or what I'll do