Off the deep end

;

"Tell me something, girl
Are you happy in this modern world?"

Chuuya had never been pleased with the world, it was far to cruel— Dazai left him in the mafia without so much as a goodbye. Although the two had reunited after 5 long years, he missed so much of Dazai's life— he would never know when Dazai had started smiling, not his usual masked smile, but that smile

"Or do you need more?
Is there something else you're searchin' for?"

When Dazai left, Chuuya wasn't ruined, sure he drunk himself to near death, and got his car blown to bits— however he was not ruined. He has still gotten up, still went to work, and still lived his life as close to normal as he could. Part of him was gone, but tables only need three legs to stay upright.

"I'm falling
In all the good times, I find myself longin' for change"

There are many things Chuuya would do if he had more power, he would've left with Dazai if he wasn't so damned loyal to his boss, he would've made Dazai stay if he could've been happy in the port mafia; however neither of those things were possible.

"And in the bad times, I fear myself"

Chuuya has become a hateful man, Kōyo filed down his edges, but hatred for society still swims in his abdomen. He never throws 'fits' anymore, but he cant help but bite his cheek so much that blood stains his teeth when he doesn't get his way. He cant help the tears that flow down his eyes when he thinks of what could have been. The mafia can take everything from him, but his emotions will not be ripped away.

"Tell me something, boy
Aren't you tired trying to fill that void?"

Nobody cares about Dazai, his well-being is not of importance; that is until he meets Chuuya. The void in his heart is not filled, but its smaller. Chuuya makes him feel at home, he cant pinpoint this feeling as its one he's never had before.

"Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?"

Chuuya picks fun at Dazai for trying to act like an edge lord, Dazai knows this is not a case of him genuinely finding Dazais masks amusing , but wanting to take down his many masks— just as Dazai sheds himself of his bandages before he showers.

"I'm falling
In all the good times, I find myself longing for change"

Dazai says he doesn't regret his past, that there is nothing he would change— but oh, how he would. He would have not left Chuuya so alone, he would have made sure Chuuya had feed to do what he wanted; and not be stuck in Mori's grimy hands.

"And in the bad times, I fear myself"

Dazai has always been feared by others, but what others don't know is that he fears himself. Contrary to popular belief he doesn't fear Mori, he hates Mori— but fear is not the term. Dazai has seen others die at his hands, he's seen the lives he's ruined, and He's had a friend die— a friend that could've lived if it weren't for him.

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground"

Dazai jokes about committing suicide, everyone is accustomed to it by now— everyone but Chuuya. 'Its just dazai', but its not ''just dazai'', Dazai is a person, not the demon prodigy everyone including himself believes him to be, Dazai is so very human.

"Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

Dazai and Chuuya made a promise, a promise that if either of them were to leave, the other would come, wait so the other could go with them. This applied to leaving the mafia, this applied to running away, it applied to the event of their deaths— but Dazai left without warning.

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground"

That day, 6 years after Dazai left, he made another suicide 'joke' to his coworkers, which they brushed off, even the so called genius detective— who damn well could've stopped him. Chuuya's ability 'for the tainted sorrow' controls gravity, however the only one who truly has that ability is dazai— since he can control Chuuya. Dazai truly proved, yet again, his control over gravity when he jumped off that roof four months ago. Four months, and this is the first time chuuya has found out about Dazais death. Four months Chuuya was left in the dark until today, when Kunikida said his condolences to chuuya.

After Chuuya found out there was an additional four months of denial, 'he's gonna come back', 'he wouldn't leave me', and 'even Dazai isn't that cruel' were thoughts that swirled through Chuuya's mind, like clothes in a washing machine.

Dazai was the suicidal maniac, but with his death he left behind his dark thoughts to Chuuya.

Chuuya was useless, the one time it was important to control gravity Chuuya wasn't there. The one person he would die for— Dazai died.

"Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

Chuuya was atheist, but the day he died at Dazai's grave by his own hand, he prayed to any god that would take him— he prayed that he would wake up by Dazai's side, like he has so many times before. Alas 'god' always had a way of taking things that Chuuya had, the only thing he couldn't live without.

Even though Dazai hadn't stuck to their agreement, Chuuya will follow through.

Unlike Dazai, Chuuya didn't hate pain, he disliked it— nobody likes pain, but Chuuya didn't despise it. So with a bottle of blood-thinners and a rusted blade— Chuuya found himself in Dazai's arms again.