You and I

CHAPTER 35

MANIK

The reality of Dad's death had exploded in my chest the moment they started lowering the casket down. In that moment, it all became real. Nandini had been right. It wasn't a pain you could describe and nothing could ease it.

Mom cried all afternoon as I held her. She looked drained and exhausted. I fed her dinner and then got her to take a sleeping pill and tucked her in bed. I had been strong for her as long as I could. I controlled myself from breaking down for long now. I wanted to have Nandini beside me when I finally did break down. Selfish I know. But if she'll be there, I wouldn't lose myself to pain. She'd keep me from falling.

Staring up at her balcony, I watched as she started climbing down. Today she hadn't asked me stupid stuff like "Are you okay?" or "Is there anything I can do?" She was just there, giving me silent support.

When she started coming down the ladder, I put my hands on either side to steady it and stood beneath her in case she fell.

I didn't need to talk. I just wanted her to go with me and be there as I sat in silence. Nandini would do that. It was one of the many reasons why she was so damn special.

"Let's go," I whispered when she was at the bottom, and then I led her back to my car.

We drove without music or talking until we got to the hilltop. I cut the engine and lights and just sat there. The stars shining above reminded me of Dad. The sharp pain hit me as I thought that now he won't ever come up here with me, he would never sit in my car and laugh at my driving skills saying he drove the car much better. He'd never watch me graduate. He wouldn't be there when I'll win the championship he so wanted me to win.

My throat tightened and I punched the steering wheel several times, trying to release some pain. He was gone. Forever. I'd never see Dad again.

Nandini was beside me, and her small hands covered one of mine. There was nothing to say. If her father was given death as a punishment, she'd go through another version of this. At least now he was in prison. She knew he was breathing. He was there, even if she didn't want to see him.

"Do you have days when all you think about are the things she'll never see in your life?"

"Yeah. All the time."

She was living this hell too. I chanted that over to myself again and again, proving I wasn't the only one. I began to relax enough to let go of the intense grip I had on the steering wheel.

I needed to distract myself, away from these thoughts.

"Let's get out," I said and came out of the car. Nandini followed me out and we both settled against my car, side by side. Watching the stars above. Tonight they spread tranquility all around. Silence and peace.

I looked over at Nandini. There was a question that I wanted to ask her so many times, but didn't get enough courage.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" I asked her.

Pink crept up on her cheeks. "Yes. You've never mentioned that night."

"But I think about it all the time. Do you?"

She nodded but didn't say anything else. I took one more step closer to her.

"Do you think about it often?"

She nodded.

I caressed her cheeks which were pink right now. "Did you enjoy it?"

"Did you?" she asked me.

I smiled down at her. "Best I ever had."

What she said next shocked me. "It was the only I've ever had."