Seven | Part Three of Goodbye, Emmi

Clips

I woke up to sound of a crying baby. I knew exactly which baby: Quinn. And I knew exactly the cry it was: The hungry cry.

"Mommy's coming!" I said as I made my way into the nursery. Juliette was wide awake in her crib, playing with her stuffed bunny.

I picked up Quinn and kissed her. "Was that a good nap?" I smiled as pulled my hair. "Yeah? Let's get you a snackie." I set her on my hip as I picked up Juliette from her crib.

This was a skill you master when you have twins, picking them both up at the same time with dropping one. I scooped Juliette in my arms and kissed her head. "And you had a good nap, too, huh?"

Juliette laughed. Quinn looked at Juliette and started to laugh along. She had no clue why she was laughing, but she had to do the same as Jewls. It was adorable now, but if they are still mimicking each other in ten years, they will be enemies. I've read countless books on raising twins, and have probably learned too much. After reading those books, your mind goes crazy thinking about every tiny little detail that you may be doing just a tad differently then mentioned in the book. Shay has to hide the books and monitor me at the bookstore to make sure I stay away from those books.

"Shay!" I yelled from the kitchen. "Can you bring down a new clip!"

You had to use a certain type of clip to hook Quinn's feeding tube to her food bag, and every once in a while it snaps and you need a new one. I always wished Quinn could have the experience of using her tongue to taste new foods, use her teeth to bite into a cookie and a sandwich, and the thought haunts me that she may never be able to be. She may never know the taste of chocolate cake or how much she wouldn't like her vegetables.

Our doctors say it's not guaranteed she will have a feeding tube her whole life. On her first birthday, which is in two months, she is eligible for a special test to see if she has developed the ability to slowly ween her off the feeding tube. We can only hope she is able to.

"Shay!" I called again, still waiting for a new clip while Quinn screamed bloody murder for her food. Juliette was making a mess in her high chair with watermelon.

Watermelon. It is practically worshipped in the Butler house, and Quinn may never taste it. I wish I could change how she had to live. I wish I could take all her pain away and let her live a normal life.

There's a lot of things I wish to change, but I can't.