It just makes me really sad, you know? All my friends are out doing stuff and I'm stuck in my house with nothing to do, and no one home. I've never been so lonely. Because apparently my friends don't want to invite me to their gatherings because I'm awkward. And I get that I can't be invited to every little thing, but it sucks when the same two people who are both your friends see each other every week/weekend without saying a single word to you. It just hurts. It sucks, honestly.
Another thing I just don't understand is how someone can be your best friend during the school year, and as soon as summer hits they ignore you and pretend they don't know who you are. I can't stand the kids that are in my own generation, and the ones I can tolerate do this and it sucks. There really is no other way to describe it. I don't know what I did wrong, I don't know why people don't like me. I don't know why I'm so awkward, I don't know why I can't socialize with other human beings, I don't know why it's so hard to talk to other human beings. I just. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could just be like Dolphus Raymond (but with dogs) so I wouldn't have to deal with anyone anymore. That would make things so much easier... probably on everyone.
I have all these feelings bottled up and I can't get them out because I have no one to tell them too. I'm too afraid I'll bother my friends because I know that they have lives and are busy having fun without me. I'm so insecure about everything and I hate it. I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate everything about the concept of living. And I keep feeling and thinking that there is a solution to it, one I'll never have: love. If someone would just love me. If someone would just take a second to ask me how my day was or little things like that. Tell me how much I mean to them. Tell me their afraid of fucking losing me , maybe I wouldn't be so god damn sad anymore. If someone would love me. What I wouldn't give for love.
But I also feel that I'll never find that. Because I'm too quite and shy and weird and awkward and uncomfortable in any situation that involves humans. Other humans just make me so uncomfortable. I feel like a boy (or a girl) would never walk up to me because I'm too awkward. And I feel this way because I know life isn't Hollywood. In shows and movies, the strong independent male always picks the shy female in the corner, but I know that isn't realistic. Every god damn thing they put in the media is never real.
And maybe that's why I'll never find love. Because I can tell what's real, and what's bullshit. I see through the lies they put on as a mask. But that's only with normal people. I feel like this wouldn't be true if I were in an unsuspecting unfaithful relationship. If I were to love someone, and they were being disloyal, I would probably be blind. I wouldn't be able to tell, and when I found out, it would destroy me, no doubt.
So love is conflicting me. Because I feel like I need it (so badly, so very very badly) to continue to keep going, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get hurt, by the one I love. Because I've already been hurt so many times before by the ones I thought I loved. And fuck! It hurts and it sucks and I hate it. I hate every waking second of living right now. But hey, at least I don't look like a mess, right. I look fine, and that's all that maters, right? Because it's summer and everyone is having the time of their lives while I'm here wishing we were still in school. Wishing my friends were still real. Wishing I had a daily schedule to follow and certain people to see at specific times. But now it's a guessing game : when are we going to see each other, are you busy, we need to hang out? And then nothing ever happens because you "already have plans" or "just need to stay at home" because I'm not at the top of your priority list. I never am. Ever. I have never been anyone's first choice. Not once. I'm not even number one on my own list! I put everyone before me, and this is the kind of shit I go through.
Oh well, whatever. It's just some stupid teenage bullshit that happens to everyone, not just me. Well I'm calling that ALL bullshit. This isn't normal. This doesn't happen to everyone, and that's why it sucks so much. Because everyone else is in the "click" and has things to do while you, yourself is the only one who understands. And it sucks because of course you understand yourself, but do you, really? You don't even know yourself or your own habits and that's what's slowly killing you.
