My subconscious desire [COMPLETED]

chapter 14

"Mythili, come down for dinner beta" I heard mumma calling me for dinner but honestly I have no appetite.

"Mythili!!" mumma call me once again. I sigh, decided to go and have little, I don't want to worry them thinking that im not happy, I don't want them to know all this. They will devastated and will blame themselves for my condition and I will choose to die rather then that.

After Completing dinner with huge smile on my face i return back to my room. Me and papa both tease the hell out of my brother And bhabhi too help us in that. It's true family makes us distract from our sorrow, while spending time with them we forget everything, the thing which we remember is their love, their huge smile.

I wanted such family with my in- laws too, I wanted to make them all together wanted them to smile, laugh and spend time with each other. Wanted them to come out of their sorrow and once again start living like the way they used to live before.

But maybe it's was not written in my fate, maybe that family were not for me, maybe I didn't pray with my whole heart or my tears must lack somewhere that's why they can not reach to God; that's why my love is not accepted by god.

I accepted everything god! that family, their coldness, him being mafia king, his anger and ignorance, his hate too just because I love him unconditionally.... i-i don't want to break someone's house but god please please give me permission to stay near him even if it's not as a wife. But just let him be near me I-I swear I will never ask for anything from you. I don't want anything else just let me be near him, it's hard to stay away from him like this.

I know I know It's my fault, I know I shouldn't fall for him like this but I can't help it god, whole day I try to ignore my aching heart, I tired hard not to miss him but.... I fail everytime I remember his eyes, this touch. He hides more then he shows I want to be with him to comfort him, to hide his soft side; to protect it, I want to care for him, I want to love him unconditionally....

Why I'm not in place of Lavanya? Why he didn't choose me? Why he loves Lavanya not me? Why I fall for him and still loving him even after knowing everything, even after knowing he will never care if I stay or leave. He wants me to stay away from him but why? I just want to love him, I don't even want him to reciprocate the feeling.... I just want to stay near him his presence itself comfort me, makes me feel safe but it also makes me nervous and submissive. I'm so stupid, an idiot to fall for someone who can never be mine, I myself is the reason behind my this state, I choose this for myself.

I regret choosing this but I know what is right. Even if I accept everything, even if I love him but I know that he is not mine, he was never mine and will never be in future too. He loves Lavanya that's why he choose her before and choose her again too. I know he choose her that's the reason he didn't come to take me, I knew it he will not come but this heart was so stupid it's an idiot, pagal hai was waiting for him to come and take me.... why can't I just throw this heart away? My heart beats a way too much for him like he is the one who owns it, it's my heart then it should listen to me but n--