Abandonment.
I despise abandonment. I hate that. I hate it when people are leaving me. It fucking leaves a lingering ache in my heart.
Pero bakit nga ba tayo iniiwan? Inaabandona? Kasi sa tingin nila mas makakabuti kung aalis sila sa buhay natin? Aalis kasi gusto lang? Mang-iiwan kasi 'yun ang dapat? Mang-iiwan para wala ng sakit at hindi na madagdagan pa? Is leaving someone a kind of love too?
Ang daming tanong na hindi masagot hanggang ngayon. Na kahit paulit ulit pang sabihin sa akin, hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit? Kasi kahit kailan, hindi ko maiintindihan ang mga taong nang-iiwan. Paano nila nakakaya? Paano nila nagagawa? Bakit parang ang dali dali para sa kanila?
I'm always the last choice. Kapag wala ng pwede, ako ang pipiliin. Kapag wala na 'yung gustong gusto, ako nalang muna pipiliin. Kapag wala ng iba, ako muna pansamantala. It feels like that's my role in every aspect of my life. Laging natatabunan. Laging nasa hulihan.
So it's surprising when someone chose me. He saw my worth and stayed, but only temporarily. He couldn't endure being with me. I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
When my first relationship failed, I thought everything was over. He was my companion in everything, my solace, my escape. My whole life revolved around him for a year, so when he suddenly disappeared, I didn't know how to go back to my old life without him. I couldn't find the happiness that I never felt in my family because he was the only one who could truly define happiness for me. Just him.
I gave everything. Including myself. Kaya paano ako uusad kung sa kanya ko unang binigay ang lahat? Paano ako uusad kung siya ang unang taong pumili sa akin? Paano ako uusad kung siya lang ang meron ako?
But as they say, when someone leaves, someone new will come... many new people came into my life again. They helped me rebuild myself, promised to stay, people who got me used to the idea that they're always there, the ones who entered my life first, mga taong nangakong hindi gagaya sa mga nakaraan ko. Pero... mas malala sila.
Betrayal, self-doubt, anger, depression— they made me feel all of that again. They reopened the wounds they had once healed and added new ones. It's like they slapped me with the truth that I am Braelynn and no one will stay because I am Braelynn.
"Brae? Will you come with us to Maldives? We're just going to unwind. So you can take a break, dear..." Tita Darina said, softly. Nakahiga ako ngayon sa kama at nakatalikod sa kanya. Siya naman ay nagsasalita habang marahang hinahagod ang likuran ko.
Si Tita Darina ang kapatid ng nanay ko. Dahil nga iniwan na rin ako ng mga magulang ko at wala naman akong mga kapatid, siya na ang kumupkop sa akin. Binihisan, pinaaral, binigyan ng magandang buhay, lahat lahat ay binigay sa akin ni Tita. That's why I'm so grateful to her because even though I'm like this, even though my life is really messed up, she still doesn't leave me... she just stays.
Tumayo ako mula sa aking pagkakahiga at hinarap siya. I'm really not in the mood to talk right now, but it's Tita Darina... "Hindi na muna, Tita... Dito nalang po ako sa bahay, mas okay po ako dito." Baka magalit pa ang mga anak niya kapag sumama ako sa kanila. I don't have time for the loud mouths of Danna and Diane anymore.
"Inaalala mo ba 'yung dalawa?" Tita asked. Tinutukoy 'yung dalawa niyang anak. "Don't worry, I talked to them. They won't bother you anymore." Binigyan niya ako ng magaang ngiti.
Honestly, I don't care about her daughters. It's just that, there's so much nonsense happening in my life right now that I've lost interest in everything. I just want to stay in one corner and do nothing.
I gently smiled at her and reached her hand. Assuring her that I'm going to be fine... Pero sino bang niloloko ko? Syempre, wala na sa bokabularyo ko ang salitang 'okay'.
"Tita, don't worry about me, please? Enjoy your time with your family. You know, for me, being happy means being alone. That's how I've always been." I chuckled. Pero nanatiling nakatitig sa akin si Tita Darina, suot suot pa rin ang nag-aalala niyang mukha.
I fucking hate this. I don't want people to see me as pitiful. I don't like that idea. But over time, I've gotten used to the perception they throw at me. Everyone who came into my life has stripped away my emotions, so I don't feel anything about this unwanted pity they show me anymore.
"Okay... If that's what you want, I won't force you. But, Brae? Don't be afraid to tell me if you're really struggling. Let me support you, please? You deserve everything, including love, and I'm giving it all to you. So please, let me be there for you. Treat me like your own mother."
This. This is something my parents couldn't do... to stay and love me.
Napatulala ako sa mga sinabi niya. Ramdam na ramdam ko na ang pamumuo ng mga luha ko. Konti nalang ay babagsak na.
Gosh, Braelynn. Don't fucking cry. Not now.
But, of course, my eyes will find ways to cry.
Agaran akong tumayo para hindi niya makita ang tuluyang pagbagsak ng luha ko. "Tita, you can go now... Marami din po akong gagawin ngayong araw."
I don't know why my chest feels so tight right now. I want to believe. I really want to immerse myself in Tita's words, but damn... every time I remember what they did to me... ayoko ng sumubok pang magpalunod para hindi na tuluyang mahirapang umahon mula sa pagkakalunod.
Yes, you will stay for now. But eventually, you'll give up... because I'm Braelynn Vandela. And no one is willing to rescue my already lost soul.
