Can a placeholder Librarian be happy?

Prologue: A placeholder's woe

A placeholder is just an empty vessel, waiting for the author to gave them life, a purpose to live Either to become a background character, a mob character or an NPC. A specific task for a specific person, that's what makes any of that roles much better than a placeholder But... Such stuff will make them have no free will wouldn't it?

Chained to be forever following a specific role until the ending of the story came to an end, is it better than to not be alive at all? Is it better to be ignorant of it all?

It's not fair... Why can they move freely? How can they be so... Happy? Everyone around them isn't even real... Even me. How can they be so blind? Living in their own circle of world. I don't think they will ever acknowledge us as a person no matter how hard we try. They will dismiss us like garbage even if we try to make contact with the kindest one of them. It doesn't matter... WE doesn't matter. The world revolve around them. When they say it's late, the sun at the highest high suddenly setting on the horizon. When the classes started, I felt like I was blanking out and suddenly it was already a break and when the classes started again, it felt like only a second pass before we were free to go home. I felt horrific... The days go by so fast and so late at different times that clocks become useless. What are they? Some kind of god? How? Why?

I know, I know the answer... But I don't want to believe it, I can't believe it. If I do, I will be probably lost... Alone in the world of placeholders.

My body aren't mine
My voice aren't mine
My thinking aren't mine
My feelings aren't mine.

Everything I do and feel is already predetermined. The intoxicated feeling of love, heartbreak, happiness, sadness... I can't feel it. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING feel fake. Every smile, every interaction... Everything.

I can't do this anymore. I can't... do this... anymore...

Why am I the only one who realised?  Why am I the only one who questioned? Why... can't I change my circumstance? Why god, anyone please answer me!

Oh right, I'm alone. Hehe
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I am alone.

No one can answer me. Not them, not the placeholders and not even me.

But I still questioned it. Why?

A placeholder shouldn't have this thought but... Why me?

Can't it be anyone but me?
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Hehe... It doesn't really matter isn't it?

I don't even have a face, I only have mouth to scream... Is this normal? Is this normal to you, placeholders? Mob characters? Background characters?

No one answered because they can't hear me. They aren't alive. They're just a moving flesh.

I am so... Lonely a-and scared.

What happened if their story ends?
What will happened to me?

Will I ceased to exist?
Or my thoughts will be taken away and become like those mindless placeholders?

I'm scared... These thoughts are the only thing that make me feel alive... Feel like I actually exist in this hellish world.

I need to do something... Something that can bound me to this world, to not make me a placeholder anymore.

Something... Anything, anything!
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And anything I try.

Everytime I gain control of my body, I did everything I can with only my mouth.

I sang them praises
I showered them compliments
I gave them flowery exposition
I become their yeswoman

I... Licked their shoes.

Pathetic, right?

I did everything for them yet they never, not even once acknowledged that I exist.

So I did the opposite of everything.

I still remembered it like it was yesterday. The first time I ever hit someone, one of them no less.

I slapped her, hard on the cheek for no reason. No, there is a reason.

I'm desperate.
I am desperate to feel like my body belongs to me.

And I succeeded. For the first time, I can control my body... I feel free.

I got punch in the face by one of them but I didn't care... I actually felt something that is not fake.

I immediately ran to the restroom and looked at the mirror.

There was I but something was different. Very different.

I have eyes... I HAVE EYES! I HAVE EYES!!!

A glistening red eyes, stared back at me and I looked... hurt. Tears streaming down from my face.

This is everything I wanted but why is she looked so hurtful?

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OH. I get it.

I will be stuck forever with this roles, aren't I?