Luminescence (Euphoria, Rue x OC)

Chapter 10

Content/trigger warnings: Mentions/descriptions of high anxiety, OCD, negative self-talk, meltdown/angry outbursts, drugs, addiction

Small residential streets. Little brick buildings and houses with wooden shingles. Cars parked in driveways marked up by colourful chalk. Tall trees identifiable as ancient by the thickness of their trunks. These were all sights that might have been charming an hour ago. But now, Rue couldn't even fucking see any of that. Sure, the light was still passing through her corneas, hitting her retinas and all that shit, so she could see, but she wasn't taking it in.

Because an hour ago she had fucked up, and now Jules was mad at her and she felt like a boa constrictor had wrapped itself around her chest, pushing the air out of her lungs and cracking her ribs. She'd tried texting Jules to ask where she'd gone and hadn't gotten any response, which just made her feel even shittier than she already did. And her breath was hitching in her throat, aching with the drive to hyperventilate, because this was definitely a moment worthy of panic.

You know what it's like. When your chest is all tight and there's a big-ass lump in your throat. And you're trying to stay calm, trying to breathe like a normal fucking person, but your body keeps taking over and breathing all fast and shallow anyway. When the outside world sort of narrows in around you until it's just your body and your mind and a whole fucking sea of pain.

I don't know, it probably seems dramatic as fuck, to nearly hyperventilate because of a stupid argument. But Jules is... Well, she changed everything for me. And I already felt like I was starting to lose her. So yeah, I panicked a little. Because maybe I had actually fully lost her this time. Maybe this time she'd really be done with me. Fuck, maybe that's what I deserved. I mean, Jules seemed pretty hurt. And shit, I'm no stranger to hurting the people I care about, but I really fucking hoped Jules would never be another casualty.

1, in, 2, out, 3, in...

Rue tried really hard to count her breaths but somehow that turned into counting her steps and then that turned into tapping out a rhythm with her fingers.

Index, index, middle, ring, middle, middle, index. Fuck.

And she couldn't even fucking get that right, because she couldn't fucking focus. Her mind was swirling with various worst case scenarios and the voice of her OCD shouting that she had to get the pattern right. Had to get the pattern right eight times, maybe sixteen for good measure, or something bad would happen.

Like something bad hadn't already fucking happened.

And underneath all that chaos was the confusion. Because she wasn't actually sure she had done something wrong. Sure, maybe she could have said things differently, taken an approach more similar to Aura's, but at the end of the day, they had been saying the exact same shit. Which was that they were fucking worried! And Rue was worried. The whole situation sounded shady as shit. She was pretty sure she wasn't just being petty or jealous or something because Aura had seemed to agree. Rue had really been trying to be supportive ever since Jules had called her out for being jealous. She wanted Jules to be happy, she really did. And yeah, part of her really fucking wished Jules could be happy with her. But she knew wasn't really good enough for someone as effervescent and unique and special. So she was being fucking supportive and encouraging. She was. But she drew the line at letting Jules think it was normal to meet some online creep alone, in the dark, in an isolated area.

But none of that mattered, because Jules clearly did think she'd done something wrong and was probably ignoring her for it.

Rue knew she had to make it right. Had to apologize or try to explain. Yes, that was it. She just had to talk to Jules and explain where she was coming from. Jules was usually pretty chill, so she'd probably get it. She had to get it.