Dear Diary,
I haven't written anything in a while because my life had been pretty uneventful. I've been doing school work and hanging out with friends, and that's about it. I got an apartment for next year which is really exciting. Other than that, there's really nothing interesting that happened to me.
Until today, that is.
I'm home for Thanksgiving break, and at my school we get a whole week off for it. It's currently Tuesday night, and I've been here since Friday night. Today I hung out with this guy that I've been friends with for like a year. In that whole time, I thought it was mutually agreed upon that we were just friends. He has a girlfriend, for God's sake. (Before I get hate, I've met the girlfriend and we get along. I was also in a relationship for a while during the time that I've been friends with him).
But apparently I'm actually just a dumbass.
We went to the gym together and then went to his house after. And we were literally just hanging out. We played ping pong and talked to his parents in the kitchen for a while. As friends do.
Then we went downstairs and started watching a movie. This is the first time I've ever watched a movie with him. And this man sits right next to me on the (quite large) couch. Weird. And then he does this weird scooch thing so that his body is actually pressed against mine. Even weirder. And then he decides to rest his arm on my leg and start like rubbing my thigh. And throughout the movie, his hand was getting higher and higher.
Side note: one thing you need to know about me is that I'm a nonconfrontational, anxious people pleaser. Which honestly I really need to work on because it could actually be so dangerous. It's gotten me into some questionable situations.
Anyway, I just let his hand sit there on my inner thigh for probably like a half hour. When he first rested his arm on my leg, I thought maybe I was just reading too much into it. But then he started moving his hand, and that's definitely not something you do with friends. And then he started asking me weird questions. Like about the guy I was in a relationship with that I mentioned earlier.
That's all that happened because then my mom texted me saying I needed to come home. Bless that woman. That was the excuse I needed to get the hell out of there.
Nothing actually happened today, but this has me rethinking our entire friendship.
A few months ago, he was going through a rough patch with his girlfriend, and I had to convince him not to break up with her. (In retrospect, how much does he really like his girlfriend if it really takes convincing not to break up with her).
He was also there for me when I was going through some stuff, and I trusted him with that. But that doesn't feel real anymore, if that makes sense.
Because now I'm just thinking about the comments that I'll hear his friends making about us, and I'm wondering what he says behind my back. He told me that most of the guys in his grade are into me (he's two grades younger than me, which is another reason why I wouldn't go for him).
I might be overreacting, I'm not sure, but I feel betrayed. I feel like our friendship wasn't actually real and he was just trying to show off for his friends. Like he just wants to prove to them that he can do whatever he wants with me.
And I feel horrible for his girlfriend. She goes to a different high school, so she has no idea about any of this. I just want to know what is going through his head so I can know what to do about it.
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The worst part is that this is actually like the 4th time this has happened to me. I'll start hanging out with a guy thinking we're just friends until they decide to confess having feelings for me.
I think I must actually be an idiot.
Because to me, these one-on-one hangouts are just that. Hangouts. If I'm telling you about my guy drama, then to me, that means I'm not into you. That means I see you as a friend and I have a funny story to tell you.
But I guess that's not how they see it. And another friendship ends up ruined.
YOU ARE READING
The Diary of a College Student
Roman pour AdolescentsThis is exactly what it sounds like. I'm writing a diary of my experience in college so that I don't forget it. And I'm publishing it because why not?