Cold Hearted

Chapter 4

I look down at my hands. The skin is broken and a shade of angry red. I try and close my hand, but the dry and brittle skin protests.

I reach over to my bedside drawer, and take out the tape I have stored there. I begin strapping my ankles.

As I move to my tender shins I bite on my lip to stuffel a whimper. I'm pretty sure I have severe shin splints. My shins are swollen and sore to the touch. Every step feels like knives being driven right through my bones.

I glance over at the clock on my drawer. 03:30. I have to report at the track for our morning run in an hour and half.

In the five weeks we've been here, more than a quarter of the guys have called it quits. The training getting to intense for them to handle.

After our first day of training, everything got more intense. Each evolution is now timed, and each week the passing rates get lowered.

The physical side of the training is getting to me. It's breaking my body. Literally.

But I'm still here. This level of pain, of exhaustion, this is my new normal. Being broken and still pushing through is my new normal. This is my home now, this is all I've got. I'm not in Ghost training, I am Ghost training.

Ghost training is all there is, this is all I am. There is absolutely nothing, nothing outside of this.

I would rather die here, than quit.

I get up and make my way to the bathroom one painful step at a time. I meet my brown eyes in the reflection. My eyes seem colder than the first time I looked at them in this mirror.

Ghost training is changing me. Forging a new mindset. Each run, or swim or pull up strengthening is strengthening me.

Yes, the training might seem easy on paper. But having to do it every day at the intensity we do. The days become endless. Filled with only pain and suffering.

You have to build a place in your mind where you can go and just shut everything out. If you can't find a way to shut the pain out, you'll never make it through this training.

Moving my gaze from eyes to the rest of my body I can see that Ghost training isn't only changing me mentally, but physically too.

Apart from feeling myself get stronger, I can actually see the progress I'm making.

In the five weeks I've been here my arms have gotten more toned and I can see the outlines of abs forming.

And it's not only me who can see my progress. With every run my time decreases. Every time I complete the obstacle course I do it more swiftly, learning the best ways to pass through each obstacle. Every time I jump into the simulated ocean I get better at avoiding the harsh waves.

I'm learning how to better harness my strengths and I'm improving on my weaknesses.

Ghost training is transforming me. Steeling my mental and forging a body that can withstand almost anything.

As I put on my cargo pants and lace up my boots I think back over the last few weeks.

The camaraderie between me and Riley has grown. We look out for each other and push each other. Giving each other strength to make it through each evolution. We have formed a sort of bond.

I've also grown close to the young recruit, Zak. He has this carefree and goofy side to him. He always manages to make us laugh, even if we are throwing up or crying from exhaustion.

Most of the guys have come around. Their not fully excepting me, but they have quit outwardly rejecting me. Most except Mark of course. He is one stubborn guy. Nothing I do seems to impress him.

And then there is Keegan of course. I still haven't figured him, or the reason I'm drawn to him out yet. And the fact that he seems to be there, commenting on something every time I turn my head doesn't help either.

Try doing it this way. You have to keep your form up. You need to learn to control your breathing. This place isn't for princesses you need to put in the work.

While I am grateful for his input I just wish that he wasn't so uggg I don't know fucking mysterious?

I glance at the clock again. 4:43. Right on time. I breath in for four, hold for four and breathe out for four. I repeat this a few times. Getting a grip on my emotions, and readying my mind for the day.

By lunch time I'm drenched in sweat and exhausted.

Along with my food, I take the extra ice, the soldiers at the counter have grown accustomed to giving me.

As soon as I sit at the metal table, I grab two plastic bags, full them to the top with ice and press them against my shins.

The sharp bite of coolness feels like heaven against my burning legs. With my legs tended to start grabbing at my food. One of the most noticeable changes in the last few weeks is definantly my appetite. I eat like a horse, but I seem to always be hungry.

Zak comes to sit down next to me. "I'll trade you my garlic bread, for one of your chicken pieces."

"Yeah right, you can keep your bread for yourself" I snicker.

He pouts his lips, seemingly very dissapointed in my answer.

"What's the first thing you guys are going to do once you finish training" I ask the table.

"I'm for sure going to buy out an entire McDonald's. I need greasy unhealthy food, not this organic shit they feed us" Mark reply's.

"I'm gonna get me a ice girl at a bar and then take her to a hotel room" Zak confidant exclaims.

I stuffle a laugh. "Yeah right, you couldn't get a girl to leave a bar with you even if you paid her."

"Yeah mock me that's fine, but you'll see. I'll take photos just for you" he sarcastically mutters.

We all just shake our heads as a smile creeps in.

"Well my bets on neither of you guys actually finishing training" Lucas jokingly comments.

"Your a big one to talk, with your running times barley making the limit" Mark protests.

"Yeah and with those diving skills, you'll probably hit your head on the ocean floor and sabotage the mission" Zak chimes in.

"Oh you wanna go?!" Lucas says as he starts to get up.

They start chasing each other around the tables in the cafeteria. Leaving me and Mark laughing at the table.

When evening finally breaks, I sit at the edge of the pool putting my flippers on. You'd be surprised at how much a piece of plastic can help you in the rough waters.

With my flippers on and my lungs full of breath I dive into the water.