IF I EVER

CHAPTER TEN - TRAUMA

              I never wanted to set foot in that somber place. It wasn't because I didn't want to honor his memory and bid him farewell. It was the weight of guilt that consumed me, refusing to let me accept his untimely departure.   
    

         I couldn't bear to believe that he was truly gone, as if his absence was a cruel trick played by fate.

                  The thought of facing his lifeless form, surrounded by tear-stained faces, was a haunting reminder of my own role in his demise. It felt like an unspoken accusation, a heavy burden I carried on my shoulders.

             I felt a chill run down my spine as I gazed into the abyss. The winds of death whispered their sorrowful secrets, taunting me with the weight of their loss.

              It was as if the very air was filled with a haunting melody, a symphony of despair that echoed in my soul.

     The world around me seemed to fade into a haze, leaving only the raw emotions of fear and melancholy. I couldn't help but be captivated by the dance of darkness and the ethereal beauty it possessed.
   

     In that solemn moment, I stood before the lifeless body of the man who had given me life.

    The weight of guilt pressed upon my heart, suffocating me with the unbearable truth—I was responsible for his untimely demise. Every breath I took was tainted with the bitter taste of remorse.

    How could I have taken away the very existence that had brought me into this world? The pain of my actions pierced through my soul, tearing at the fragile threads of my sanity. In that agonizing moment,

          I paid my last respects to the man I had tragically become the destroyer of, forever burdened by the weight of my unforgivable deed.

        My heart sank as I turned to see how Ari was coping with it all. The sight of that little girl, my own flesh and blood, shouldering the weight of this tragedy, only intensified my guilt.

             But to my surprise, her face remained devoid of any visible emotion. It was as if she had retreated to another realm, a world far removed from our grief-stricken reality. The numbness etched upon her features spoke volumes, a silent testimony to the depths of her pain.

         It was a haunting sight that left me shattered, knowing that I had failed to shield her from the darkness that now enveloped our lives.

                       As I glanced at Ma, an unexpected calmness radiated from her. It was a bewildering mix of emotions, leaving me unsure if it was a facade she wore to shield her inner turmoil.

                     Her eyes held a hint of suspicion, as if she harbored a secret that she dared not reveal.

                            But amidst my own overwhelming grief, I couldn't fully grasp the depth of her hidden emotions.

          It was a moment of profound sorrow, where the weight of loss overshadowed any ability to decipher the complexities of those around me.

                                  After the funeral concluded, I had a strong desire to go to the cemetery and witness the burial of my dad.

           But Mom insisted that I stay home and take care of Ari. She believed it was important for me to be there for my little sister during this difficult time. While it was hard for me to accept, I understood that Mom had her reasons and wanted to prioritize Ari's well-being.

        So, I reluctantly stayed home, knowing that supporting my family was the most important thing I could do in that moment.

           While Ari and I were at home, I made an effort to reach out to her. I cooked her favorite food, hoping it would bring some comfort. But no matter what I did, she remained completely unresponsive.

It was as if her emotions had been drained away, leaving behind a profound emptiness.

Both Mom and I were undoubtedly grappling with our own trauma, but it was clear that Ari's burden was even heavier. The weight of her pain was palpable, and it broke my heart to see her in such a state.

       This trauma, it's like a shadow that will never leave her side. And it's absolutely heart-wrenching because I blame myself for causing it. I can't help but feel responsible for the pain she's enduring. It's a heavy weight on my heart.

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             " Mom!!!! She's not going to open up .Why don't we just let her be .Taking her to psychologists and counselors is a little too much ", I persuaded and Mom hesitated but agreed later on.

                     

                   It's been really tough for Ari since the funeral. No matter what we've tried, she hasn't been able to recover from the trauma.

     It's heartbreaking to see her like this. She lost her friends and the neighbors don't understand her silence.

                They think she's weird or dumb because she can't speak. But deep down, she's just numb, unable to express herself. Ari .... became  numb... In a trauma.... because of me....

                I don't know if you could have done something if you were in my place but I was helpless. I couldn't even save myself.  My trauma was swallowing me. How could I save her ? I'm already a murderer ....

    
     
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