IF I EVER

CHAPTER ELEVEN - LOSS

         " This is very terrible, Rhea. If you keep going on like this, you're going to repeat class and take a re-sit for all your course papers", Mr. Jenkins, my class teacher delivered,with a cocktail of  expressions  containing a mixture of sadness and sternness.
 
              I sat there ,numb and helpless . I was just speechless as the weight of his warning sank in but the weight of my grief was enormous, outweighing it. I couldn't help it. There was nothing left to live for.

                 Besides,I was a murderer and people like me deserved a life of misery and countless tribulations - I needed to pay for my misdeed- .

                    I'd already lost my position as the school body president as a result of my failing grades and my inactive participation concerning school affairs.

                         I can still recall that moment so clearly, as the principal reached out to me earlier, pleading for me to not neglect my responsibilities as the School Body President. "I'm aware of the loss of your father, Miss Rhea, and my deepest condolences go out to you," she said, her voice filled with genuine sympathy.
                      
                       
                       "However, the school community and the Prefectorial Board have expressed numerous complaints that are truly disheartening. Despite previous discussions, it seems you haven't taken them to heart ".

                         And then, instead of directly asking me to step down, she dropped a subtle suggestion, like a sly wink in a conversation. She hinted that maybe, just maybe, resigning could be an option if the weight of the responsibilities became too overwhelming.

              It's so funny how she put it.  She clearly didn't want me to have the position anyway. It's like a clever way of saying, "Hey, if things are getting too crazy for you, maybe it's time to consider a different path."

                   Funny how people can convey their thoughts without uttering them directly, right? Hiding their real intentions like a face behind a mask and pretending everything is fine when things were just deteriorating.

                   I felt a sudden tinge of hatred for her. It wasn't her fault but she wasn't being straightforward.  I didn't care if I was wrong but my entire world was crashing down and it seemed like nobody cared.
    
 
                      Instead I was being scolded about it. Whatever was happening, they were giving me the implication that it was my cross ,my loss... that there was nothing they could do about it.

                          I knew it was my own cross and I had to bear it ,regardless.  I caused all this.

                      You can't blame me for being harsh on myself, constantly blaming myself for whatever happened. The pain was way too immense to handle .

            Who would I talk to ? Who would understand me ? Who would want to be with a loser and a loner. I was no longer the smart girl with awesome grades who was the school body president.

                   "Hey , Miss Rhea! Can you hear me?" Mr. Jenkins called out, interrupting my thoughts. I quickly nodded, eager to snap back to reality. With his permission, I left to grab some lunch. As I made my way to the school hallway, ready to stash my books in my locker, my ex, the basketball captain, approached me.

              "Seriously, Rhea? You can't just end things because of your dad's passing. It's so peculiar," he remarked. I chose to ignore his words, focusing on organizing my books instead.

                "So, you're not even going to talk to me?" he questioned, his tone filled with frustration. Yet, I remained silent, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a response.

                   "Never mind, you're a pathetic loser anyway. I never truly liked you in the first place. The only reason I was interested was because you were the top student and the school body president. It's your loss if you don't want me anymore. See you later, loser," he cruelly snapped before storming off.

              My heart started burning and aching as his hurtful words echoed in my mind. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I had to stay strong. Man, that was straightforward but way too harsh. I guess the truth really does sting. It was at that moment that I began to understand my principal's actions. She indirectly helped me step down from my position because she cared about my feelings.

              Shaking off those thoughts, I made my way to the cafeteria, my head held low in pain. As I walked past, I could hear students giggling and whispering cruel things about me. It seemed like nobody really liked me when I was at the top. Maybe they were just waiting for my downfall. I went from being the most popular student to feeling like a total loser.

                     Lost in my thoughts, I was about to reach the cafeteria counter when I accidentally bumped into someone.

             
                    I almost stumbled, but I felt a sturdy arm catch me and pull me into what felt like a cozy embrace. I squeezed my eyes shut, silently hoping that the person I bumped into wouldn't say anything mean or rude. Surprisingly, there was only silence.

                    Curiosity got the best of me, and I slowly opened my eyes, only to be greeted by a pair of adorable, sparkling ocean blue eyes that seemed to penetrate my very soul. In that moment, my breath hitched, and I felt a warmth and sense of security wash over me. It was like my insides were melting away, replaced by a comforting embrace.