Early Birds

Fighting Demons

*Mentions sexual assault and torture

After a couple of nights of disturbed sleep, Simon was feeling distraught, managing to hide it from Cassie by keeping occupied. He felt trapped by his own memories and disgust. He couldn't see a way forward without telling Cassie about what had happened to him. But he was terrified about how she would react. He'd never told anyone about what had happened, with those who knew of his imprisonment and torture, being unaware of the details. 

Could he even bear to talk about it to anyone, let alone Cassie? His mind in turmoil and full of self-loathing, Simon's mind turned to imagining telling her and watching her face contort in horror and disgust, telling him to stay away from her and never touch her again.

Falling into an exhausted and restless sleep, Simon was drawn back in to his worst memories. The cold room, his emaciated and damaged body, racked with constant pain, the smells and sounds around him – they were all so real. Feeling himself being tied down, too weak to fight back and knowing what was coming, Simon felt the terror, disgust, shame and anger take over his body. 

Hot pain searing through his body as they took their turns, silent tears running off his face onto the bare mattress, wishing for death to consume him. In his nightmare memory, Simon heard a voice say 'let her watch'. This was new, 'I don't remember this', his subconscious screamed at him. 

Lifting his head with difficulty, Simon looked ahead in shock. Cassie was sat in a chair in front of him. 'No' he screamed out desperately, only to be met with the laughter, of his abusers. His face contorted in pain, he screamed out to Cassie to turn away, but she just sat there watching.

Looking at her, pleading, Simon saw her face clearly. Her face was scrunched up in disgust and loathing at what she was witnessing. 'No' Simon screamed repeatedly, shaking his head and trying to fight off the ties that bound him to the bed. Simon thrashed and landed with a thud on the floor, still fighting off his ties, now sobbing and hyperventilating.

Cassie was woken by Simon shouting and screaming. Jumping out of bed she ran to the sitting room, finding Simon sitting on the floor lashing out at some unseen force, sobbing and gasping for breath. 

She kept a safe distance and started to call to him. 'Simon, it's Cassie, it's okay, we're at the cabin'. Repeating it several times, hoping that she could get him to hear her. Simon suddenly stopped thrashing and hugged his knees, letting his head rest on his arms, sobbing heavily, his body rocking back and forth. 

'Simon, it's Cassie, it's okay, you're safe, you're not there anymore' Cassie pleaded fighting her own sobs. Repeating this several times, trying to reassure him and bring him back to her.

Through sobs, she heard Simon repeat the phrase, 'They made you watch'. Cassie was feeling helpless and distraught, not understanding what his words meant or if he was talking to her.

 Trying to get through to him as she had done before, she ordered him 'Give me your hand, Simon'. With no change in his 'chanting', she repeated it twice more firmly. Simon held out a shaky hand and she took a hold of it, starting to squeeze it in time with her breathing. Focusing on her breath and trying to control her own tears,she hoped that he would respond to her touch as he had done before.

Slowly, Simon started responding with his own squeeze of her hand and Cassie sighed in relief that he was becoming more aware. His breathing became more regular, but he continued to sob and slowly shake his head. Cassie moved to sit beside him, allowing some contact between them. She felt him freeze at the contact, but he didn't move. 'Stay with me Simon' she said quietly. 'It's okay, I'm here, I'm not leaving'. Simon slowly stopped rocking and seemed to be calming, with occasional sobs and gasps of air. 

'Look at me, Simon' she said quietly. Simon shook his head in response. 'Please Simon, look at me' she pleaded, squeezing his hand again. 

'They made you watch' he whispered with a sob. 

Trying to hold back her tears, Cassie spoke softly 'Simon, please talk to me, help me understand'. 

Simon let out a pained groan 'They made you watch, I told you to look away but you just started at me with horror and disgust. I couldn't make you stop, I couldn't make them stop' he gasped, sobbing. Cassie's blood ran cold with horror at his words, what could have possibly happened in his nightmare.

Cassie squeezed his hand tightly, 'Simon, look at me, I need you to look at me' she tried. Simon lifted his head up and looked at her, his face was soaked with sweat and his eyes were red, teary and bloodshot. 'Look at me, do you see horror and disgust?' 

Simon's eyes roamed her face, taking it all in. All he could see was soft, teary, pleading eyes, filled with kindness and concern, a soft smile on her lips. 'No' he whispered. 

'No' she repeated 'It was a nightmare, it wasn't real'. She whispered before putting an arm around his head and bringing it down to her shoulder.

Simon responded immediately, putting his arms around her and hugging her tightly, feeling himself melt into her warm soft embrace. Cassie whispered to him 'Please talk to me, Simon, what's happening?'

Simon sighed 'I can't, I can't do that to you'.

'Simon, please don't push me away' Cassie pleaded.

Simon looked up at her, seeing how pained she looked. 'I don't know if I can' he admitted.

Cassie sighed 'Simon, there's nothing you can say to me that will hurt me. Just please let me be here for you' she said pleading.

Simon took a deep breath, 'I need to freshen up' he said before moving to stand. Simon walked off unsteadily to the bathroom, leaving her sitting.

Cassie sighed in defeat, she felt helpless and despaired that he wouldn't let her help him. She got up, saying out loud 'I need a coffee'. Cassie put on water to boil and started making a tea for Simon and a coffee for herself. While waiting she wondered how long he would stay in the bathroom, would he come back out or would he avoid her. 

Feeling tears form again, her shoulders sagging, she went ahead and made the drinks. Turning around, she was surprised to see Simon sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands. So she sat down beside him, pushing his mug in front of him.

The two sat and drank in silence, feeling the earlier atmosphere soften and relax. Cassie didn't want to push Simon, she couldn't. If he didn't want to or couldn't talk to her about what was happening, she didn't know how she could help and support him. Her heart felt heavy with sadness and concern about the turmoil that he was experiencing. She knew that he had suffered extreme violence and heartbreak, and as much as she wanted to understand, she needed him to open up to her.

Simon sat quietly, still reeling from his nightmare, feelings of shame and guilt filling his thoughts. Cassie had shown him such care as he'd struggled and fought, still amazing him of her compassion and acceptance. But now, he was on the precipice of deciding on what he thought was the ultimate test. When he couldn't look at her, she gently urged him and he didn't see a trace of disgust in her face, despite what he saw in his nightmare. 

But now, he found himself doubting how she would react to hearing such a brutal and awful truth about him. Could he risk everything they had built so far? He'd already taken a massive risk in allowing himself to open up to her about his past and she'd been accepting. Weighing heavy on his soul, Simon felt that he now had to make a choice, no matter what he did or didn't do from this point forward, he risked losing her.

Simon turned to her 'Thanks for your help love, but I need to try to get some sleep'. He said doubts weighing heavily on his mind.

Cassie looked crestfallen, so just sighed and whispered 'Ok, Simon, let me know if you need anything'. Cassie walked back to her room, leaving Simon alone.

Simon couldn't get back to sleep, the nightmare still lingered, but it was accompanied by feelings of remorse and bitterness at the fact, his past demons were coming back to haunt him and could now cost him the woman he so dearly loved. There was no way he could tell her how he felt about her without showing her those demons, no matter how terrifying that seemed.