THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY: a memoir

01 | the end

September 2021

I closed my laptop in triumph. After months of scripting, coding, and scrambling to deliver a project that could resonate with my readers, I was finally finished. My 6th Episode story, "Soulmates", stood as a solid affirmation of my storytelling capabilities for making readers feel emotions; emotions that gripped me from the moment I decided to create this project. After the final chapter was posted for everyone to see and I indulged in the comments following the release, I was convinced that my run on Episode was done. And I was content with that. In my heart, I knew that there was nothing else worth sharing to offer. For the time being at least.

My catalog at the time consisted of 6 well received stories that put me on the map in this community with more than 2 million reads. I had achieved being on Episode shelves, solidified a social media presence, and have gotten recognized by several of Episode's top business competitors for my craft. I couldn't be more grateful for the success. From a personal standpoint, there was no "need" for me to create more. I proved, to myself mostly, that I could create things and bring to life entire worlds that live in my head through this platform. Being a writer and creator over the years has came with a lot of self doubt and hard criticism on myself. I never believed that this hobby could reach hundreds of thousands of people from all pockets of life around the world. But it did. When I completed "Soulmates", it was like taking my first breath after completing a marathon. Having spent the last 5 years releasing story after story consecutively placed me in a weary space of creative agitation. It was time for me to take a break.

When I completed "Soulmates", many personal adversities and changes were taking place all at once. Things that no one knew behind the image of "Joriemar". For starters, I uprooted my life and moved cities, dealt with marriage conflict, left my job, and  completed a graduate degree all while trying to simply survive in this troubling world. I constantly found myself feeling numb and confused as I stood at the center of what appeared to be total chaos in my life. I had no mind to put together another "hit" Episode story or any story for that matter. The weight of the many "real" issues that all of us at some point face in our lives needed my immediate attention. I could no longer bury myself in writing and creating to avoid the problems that needed fixing.

All while this was happening, the Episode community also appeared to have been caught in a whirlwind of its own troubles. Watching from afar the "controversies" that was widening the gap between the company, authors, and readers was demoralizing and disheartening. When I first discovered the app and the community, I was engrossed by how much creativity, love, and support carried this platform for years. Of course, it was far from perfect but it was truly a lively space where authors could share their love for story telling and engage with all of their readers in such an exciting and candid manner.

I recall spamming my favorite authors and fellow readers and going back and forth with them about story theories, my thoughts on certain episodes, and my love or hate for particular characters. When I became a published author on the app and began gaining momentum around the time of "To Love Again", I would last hours each day responding to my readers, laughing at their comments, and being completely flooded with general positivity. Definitely a lot has changed in recent years with the downscaling of activity in the community. You might come around beautiful moments with readers here and there when sharing your work, but these days toxicity, double standards, and corporate greed reigns supreme across Episode at all levels. I knew of many wonderful, talented, and genuine people in the community, but I was turned off by the app as a whole. I thought to myself:

"This place has been a  safe haven for me for years. It was my escape from the drama in my life. Now it seems like it is equally as tumultuous as my personal life. What the f&#k?!"

I've seen so many legendary writers that I've admired for years, such as Saige, Amelia Rose, and Ashley Nicole, Kay B, and Chantelle to name a few all vanish from the community one day to another. I would think to myself back then how could such highly successful and respected creators walk away at the height of their success? I was only a rookie in the game — completely oblivious to an author's struggle — when they all stopped writing. I scoffed like many passionate and engaged readers for all the amazing stories that were left unfinished till this day.

Now being in the game for nearly 7 years, I know how taxing this role can be. I remember vividly many nights — even weeks on end —writing and coding like a mad man to deliver quality episodes in a timely manner to keep the momentum going for all of my projects. I gave up many opportunities, made my fingers go numb from typing, and sat in a dark room many nights while my family slept in the other room in efforts to deliver an "experience" to the people that have supported me. I remember exhausting myself emotionally on plots that came from a space of pain in my life for a few people to later go out and degrade its existence or dismiss it on social platforms like Reddit and Episode. Seeing how the app developers only added to the barriers, that being through their hypocritical guidelines or lack of support, I felt muzzled. If there's anything I've learned over the years is that there is sacrifice and pain that comes with sharing your art with people. Especially on platforms like Episode. That is why when "Soulmates" wrapped up, I could finally understand how those authors I've looked up to perhaps felt.

So for the remainder of 2021, I forced myself to abandoned the facade and pressure. It never came from a place of malice or being ungrateful. I love my readers and the people who have supported me for years, however, I knew that I had to begin making changes in my life and nurture my creative heart.