THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY: a memoir

06 | behind the stage

Ernest Hemingway famously said, "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed." I have always been aware of the price one must pay for being a writer. My deep love for creating and sharing has not always kept me invulnerable to the challenges, setbacks, and pain that comes with making your heart's work accessible to so many people. There have been many times where I simply wanted to drop everything and vanish from the community -- especially during my early days as a writer. Getting called belittling names for not catering to a certain population or for not doing things in a specific manner are all real moments that I have had to work through for many years.

I am no stranger to personal attacks, being discredited for my work, and having to stand up to an app that has made it difficult for me to sometimes have a voice in this community. Till this day, I still have not been able to be compensated a single penny for my work, despite the mass revenue the app has made off of my stories. But above all things, being an Episode author has definitely came with so much pride, joy, and liberation. A lot of the painful moments I have had to endure are what has shaped me and driven me to exceed past my own self-constructed barriers. I am certain I would not be the Joriemar I am today had it not been for some of the heavy experiences I went through. As cliche as it sounds, a lot of these learned lessons shined through the entire process of putting together TOTGA, the story I consider to be my most transformational body of work yet. Nonetheless, it still was not a walk in the park most days.

Writing "The One That Got Away" was my liberation project and the embrace my soul needed at a time of personal conflict. I truly felt the most happiest and free when I was funneling life into this story every day for nearly a year. However, some of the hardest setbacks I experienced stemmed from my own limitations and insecurities that developed from past experiences. As mentioned previously, writing a story set during a polarizing time in American history was frightening to me. Especially because of the choices I made regarding diversity and inclusivity. Risking the chance of being "canceled" or demeaned because of superficial first appearances are all thoughts that constantly flowed through my head. I remembered going back and forth about my decisions and at one point almost came to the conclusion of scrapping the project all together and starting anew. Additionally, living in the shadows of the (sometimes controversial) success of "Home Wrecker" only fueled my inhibitions. I became very aware of what my audience wanted and nothing suggested that it was a romantic comedy set in the 50's. All thoughts lead me to a single conclusion:

"What if they don't like this story?"

The bottomline goal for "The One That Got Away" had remain a constant since the very moment I became inspired to do all of this: bring joy and love to my readers. I had to be willing to accept the possibility of not achieving this and falling short if I was to go forward with publishing TOTGA. The first couple of months were encased with this worry in my head until I had to teach myself to let go. Only once I began seeing the final product come together towards the end of 2022 and getting the chance to read the story in its entirety was I able to fortify my confidence. I felt invincible after falling in love with my own work for the first time in years. I was nearly ready to roll this out to all of my followers with a heart full of love early into 2023 when life abruptly brought me back to reality.

Dealing with the healing process and getting my body and mind back to full operation after jaw surgery in late December was a bumpy road. It felt like my enthusiasm and momentum hit a brick wall despite knowing that this was something I had to go through for my own well-being. My heart wanted to go back to writing and finish the story, but my physical health forced me to sit still for a few weeks as I healed. Looking back, this truly came at a time where I needed to stop, reflect, and think back on the entire year, not just from a creative standpoint but from every cornerstone in my life as a whole. I was able to truly appreciate my evolution and growth over the last 6 years and reinvigorate my purpose. Getting to see how far we -- because none of this would be possible without you, the reader -- have come together strengthen my belief in community and love.

I say this from experience that it is very easy to lose yourself creatively and personally when you are trying to search for intangible things in the wrong places. The beauty in stillness, pain, and growth that started with "Making Lemonade" in 2017 made the year of 2023 all about celebration, freedom, and fun with TOTGA. The people who have supported me from day 1 and have successfully deciphered the complicated mystery that is "JORIEMAR" know that their support has never been taken for granted. Till this day, I still think about them and how I can make "f*#king with me" worthwhile. Those who think otherwise are simply on lookers who haven't gotten to truly know me.

My message to any new and upcoming authors, creators, and artists is to embrace the struggle and learn to make amends with the beauty of sacrifice. Writing is sometimes a lonely and uncomfortable space to live in for extended periods of time, but having the opportunity of touching at least 1 heart is invaluable. Seeing how others forge a connection with something that came from the deepest parts of you cannot be compared to anything. Never in a million years did I expect to come this far, meet so many amazing people, and share 7 stories that all have a piece of my soul in them while being recognized, celebrated, and loved.  No words could ever express how grateful I am of the millions who have collectively taken in my words, pain, and love through their screens on app that truly saved my younger self when I first discovered it.