Emotionally involved

Prologue

Be Warned; Mentions topic of: Suicide, Self-harm, Family issues

The absurdity of staying alive is one that amuses a certain group of people, the thought is even more ridiculous next to the topic of suicide because it's such a serious matter of discussion. The result of misery and pain, torment and grief, immediately erased in the face of a humorous laugh followed by an existential awakening. 

He remembered numbing his eye sockets with tears, and tasting the little droplets that make their way between his lips. He also recalled his heavy breathing and the constant need to catch his breath between each cry session, then he would reduce his breathy sobs to measly tears when he tires his heart out in the end.

Cries like these usually occur from time to time, as did with his arguments with his mother, but not everything can be swept under the rug to magically disappear. Furthermore, the arguments went on for a few days in a row, resulting in something he'd already anticipated, living with his father for a while.

A heavy sigh seeped from his chest and he regained the functions of his body once more. He lifted himself from the ground and sat on the side of the bed he was previously weeping on, staring at the remnants of his tears that were now part of his bedsheets. He should really wash it.

'This wouldn't have happened if i'd gotten up early,' he thought, 'but then again, would i still have been spared?'

A notification chimed on his phone that was sitting on the night stand just next to him, and he groggily picked it up. It was from the messaging app he recognised was only associated exclusively with his academics and studies.

He realised it must be information on the new school he was enrolling into, wondering if he'd made it through the entrance exams.

'Never-fucking-mind' his previously apathetic face was replaced with a huge grin stretching his lips to form just the biggest smile he's ever smiled in his life. He'd passed.

Right then and there, his life lit right back up. He was one of the many students who'd made it through the entrance exams for a school for smart students, which he doubted he was one of. He still was aware that he'd recently just bawled his eyes out on the bed sheets and probably still has to live with his father for a while, but at least this wave of joyous feelings compensated for it.

'If I didn't pass, I probably would've ended it.' he thought, smiling sheepishly to himself.

'maybe not though, that's too much.'

It was as he suspected, the amount of students who passed was a quarter of those who took part at the start of the entrance exam. He felt lucky, but he also felt like an imposter, because he wouldn't label himself as an academically smart student considering he only cared about drawing and being edgy in middle school.

He spent his first year of high school practically cheating every exam, over-respecting his teachers, and doing extra credit, he was basically a teacher's pet who everyone thinks is smart, but he just uses what he knows at his disposal, which was people-pleasing. He particularly liked people-pleasing strict teachers, they secretly have favourites, and he knows it's always him which earned him some weird sense of gratification. 

He had to transfer schools for second year, because of the tight financial situation with his mother, the promising appearance of the school, the cheaper fees, and his new found passion of academics that sprouted from all the days of waiting for the school term to start.

His breakdown didn't matter, neither did his tear-stained bed sheets, or the [redacted] he want to [redacted] himself with earlier.

This could only bring him back to the times he survived some attempts, failed some, was too tired for some, and backed down because it wasn't the right time. Maybe he was cowardly, maybe it was fate, but he was glad he survived them to experience the ecstasy of this moment. However, looking back, he felt a strange familiar feeling in his stomach resurface.

The absurdity of surviving suicide.