Javi, Come Home

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

     Tate cries the whole drive home. His visions so blurry its only by muscle memory that he makes it to his house. He imagines the Javi he knew, the Javi he loved, in that position years ago. A position where he sold himself to save his dad. That's something only the Javi that he knows, that he loves, would do. So self-sacrificial.

     He can't think about what he must have went through. He remembers the haunted look on his face. How had that man abused him? What had he taken from him?

     He's not thinking when he pulls back out of his driveway and goes back to Javi. He just knows it's not over and he's not finished with him.

     He's at Javi's window. The lights are off. The windows open. He only has to slip his foot into the first slot in the foundation to reach his screen. When he looks into his room, he sees Javi's wide awake and staring at him, lying on his side.

     "Round two already?" Javi mumbles.

     "Just open the window, Javi."

     He gets up, making his way over slowly. He slides the screen out of the way and steps back. Tate easily lifts himself up on the sill, like the top portion of a tricep dip. He squeezes his knee onto the sill between his arms and then the other one. When he's crouched in the window, he shifts to the side and swings his legs around.

     "You're good at that now."

     "Yeah, years of practice I guess." It's weird referencing their history. It makes Tate hot all over.

     "What're you doing here?"

     "I needed to say something."

     "More than what you already said?"

     "Javi, just let me speak."

     Javi holds up his hands placatingly.

     "I'm sorry," Tate says finally.

     Javi shakes his head. "Don't do that. Don't feel bad for me."

     "I'm just saying I'm sorry."

     "No, no you're only sorry now because you know. But just because you know, doesn't change what I did to you. And how I left things."

     Tate shakes his head quickly. "I'm not sorry for treating you the way I did. I was mad at you. I'm still mad at you. But I'm sorry you thought that was your only choice. I'm sorry you didn't think you could come to me for help. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone."

     "You have no idea what I went through," Javi says.

     "Yeah and I can only imagine. It was enough to keep you away for all these years."

     "You should hate me, Tate," Javi says voice low. "I hate me."

     "Don't think I haven't tried," he responds just as quietly. "I want to so bad. You have no idea."

     "What's stopping you?"

     "Memories."

❂

     Javi is not going to cry in front of Tate again.

     Tears, he knows, are a form of manipulation. Montgomery always scolded him for using them. Suck them back up, he'd say. They're not going to get you any favors.

     "Don't pity me," Javi says. "I made my choices."

     "And you'd make them again," Tate says nodding. "I get it. I just don't understand why you didn't come to me. I thought we told each other everything."