Here We Go Again

Chapter 3: James

The worst thing that I ever did

Was what I did to you

But if I just showed up at your party

Would you have me? Would you want me?

Friday, August 30th 1989

James was glad the roaring currents didn't allow for much talking, for the needed time with his thoughts. It had all happened so quickly: the sighting of Lily's inn, the unexpected reunion with Sirius and Remus, Harry's entire existence. He still couldn't quite convince himself that, after over a decade of occasional letters and clumsy run-ins, he was now sailing in a rented boat with his two former best friends. And, of course, Lily Evans' undisclosed son.

He risked spying Harry once more. He was so small, so gentle, so delicate. And at the same time he was too big, too grown. James had spent eleven and a half years fantasising of thousands of possible scenarios of what Lily's life could be like; some of them even included her having a family of her own. But none of them had prepared him for being presented that living, breathing child.

Harry looked so much like Lily it was frightening. When the kid came up to them, as they were making their way back from the beach, James had known instantly. He would recognize those green eyes anywhere.

Just as he was about to approach the boy once more, James noticed Remus' state. He was paler than usual, staring furiously into the coast and gripping so firmly to the railing his veins were bulging.

"Moony?" he called. "You okay?"

James knew it before his friend could answer.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

James turned to the mariner, who had introduced himself as Roy. "He's gonna be sick", he repeated.

Roy only pointed to the cabin. "Toilet! Toilet!"

Remus rushed inside, James following behind. He waited by the door until he could no longer hear Remus' regurgitating noises, then asked, "Moony? You okay there, mate?"

Remus took a few seconds to reply. "Yeah", he grunted. "Are we reaching solid ground anytime soon, would you happen to know?"

"I'll ask Roy. Just one second."

Luckily, it only took a couple of minutes until they arrived at the first stop of the tour, which was a small island with only a narrow strip of sand. Roy got to setting up a wooden rowing boat for them to reach the shore, but Sirius had already stripped his shirt off and jumped in the water. Harry laughed and copied him, yowling all the way down.

James, on the other hand, accompanied Remus to the beach, where they took their shoes off and sat facing the water. Roy offered them bottles of water and, by the time Remus had emptied his, he had already regained some colour in his face.

"Better?"

"Loads", Remus said. "Didn't know I could hate open water so much."

"Perhaps we should cut our tour short. Go back to the inn... get settled." His voice quivered by the end, and he gritted his teeth in return.

Remus nodded slowly. "Can you believe it?"

Sirius and Harry were still playing by the water, and they couldn't help but smile as they watched.

"Not really, no", James admitted.

"You haven't kept in touch, have you? You and Lily?"

"No. Can't blame her for not wanting contact, though. We, uh... we didn't end on the friendliest of terms. I said some pretty nasty things by the end." He had replayed their last argument non-stop since the day he had gotten the invitation, mulling over every word he had said. He still couldn't wrap his head around the idea that Lily would ever want to see him again after that.